Week In Review - Ten Things Of Thankful (37)

And just like that, half my weekend is over. I found a time machine called "sleep"!  I always thought the fatigue would be over after the first trimester (at least it used to be like that); right now I feel as if it's hitting in full force now. But at least I managed to be somewhat productive, preparing the house for a visit from the parents tomorrow. 

The ten things I'm incredible thankful for this week:

1. The birthday breakfast out I shared with hubby. We don't get too much couple-time any more these days, and once baby joins us, these moments will become even more scarce, so we enjoy them as they come.

2. Having a fairly easy time back at work. There are times after some time off when I spent days to work through my emails. This time, I managed to sorth through them within a few hours and could go right to my actual work.

3. The kind welcome my colleagues gave me on my first day back. They had decorated my desk for my birthday and besides two gorgeous orchids gave me a bunch of gift cards that will come in very handy once we move.

4. Me not being the only one who was absolutely annoyed by the host guy from the meeting on Wednesday. Obvioulsy, everyone was, and we had quite some conversations about that meeting later.

5. Watching Violet play with Lily's FurReal cat today. She was so adorable with it, and I really can't wait having real cats now  :-)

6. All the cuddles I shared with Lily the past couple of days. I promise, one night I will fall asleep in her bed and wake up the next morning  :-)

7. Seeing the first strawberries at the store. I didn't buy any because I know they only taste like water, but they smell yummie, and their color just makes me happy.

8. The crunchie cereal I used to get as a child. I found it at the store the other day, and it still tastes like it did when I was little. It has happened a lot that things I remember from my childhood are simply not the same any more now. But this cereal is still the same.

9. Hubby baking me apple pie for my birthday. He's the best!!

10. Expecting my parents for a late birthday lunch tomorrow. We're going to try a new restaurant, and hope it's going to be good  :-)


Have a great weekend, everyone, and thank you for hosting, Lizzi!!

Holiday Memories

The winter holidays are celebrated differently in Germany. In our family, we celebrated a blended version of both U.S. and German traditions, leaving the backgrounds on why the gifts arrive when they do and how mostly to the girls’ imagination.

 As the girls are opening their gifts today in the evening of the 24^th, let me give you a glimpse in the German holiday traditions of my childhood.

My entire extended family lived within less than an hour, so the gifts could be hidden very well from me as there were never large boxes arriving during the weeks leading up to the holidays. On the entire 24^th, our living room, which is a separate room in my parents’ house, not an open living / sitting space as it is in most American homes, was locked to give the “Christkind” some privacy to prepare the room. At night, after the church service, my grandparents came over for dinner, and as my mom and grandma cleaned the dishes, my grandpa would read fairy tales to me from his ancient, big fairy tale book. Afterward, I had to go upstairs to my room to wait for the bell to ring and tell me it was time to go into the living room. Seeing the tree for the first time, all sparkly, lit with real candles, was magical. The gifts usually were placed on the couch (real candles, a small child, and wrapping paper are usually not a good combination for a quiet evening); I looked for my pile and started to unwrap.

On the evening of the 24^th I was always allowed to stay up late, play with my new toys, try on my new clothes, eat cookies, and sit with my parents and grandparents. The next morning was usually an early one for me; I let my parents sleep in and made myself a breakfast of holiday cookies (the best of the year!!) and went on playing with my toys. For lunch my grandparents came over again. My mom would either make a pork roast, turkey breast, or sometimes even a traditional German holiday goose.

On the 26^th, we would go to the traditional get together of my mom’s family at my other grandparents’ house, where there were more gifts, cookies and holiday bread, and playing with all my cousins.

I loved the holidays as a child, but I even love it more today, as I can be the onlooker watching our girls indulging in the holiday spirit. Giving is truly better than receiving!

Sunday Social - When I Was Little...

Can't believe it's Sunday already! I hope to be able to catch up on sleep and maybe get a run in with my neighbor. Besides that? Some cleaning, going through the girls' clothes and make a list of stuff we need for the coming seasons (consequently, that means shopoping!!). Hope to get at least some of those things done today. To wrap up this weekend, I'm once again linking up with Ashley for Sunday Social, this week it's all about my childhood:

1. What do you miss most about being a kid?

 The possibilities. That (almost) everything is possible. And not worrying about anything. But that was me as a very small kid, before the depressions hit. After that, I don't miss much.
 

2. Did you have a nickname growing up? What was it?

 Yes, but I won't share, because it's not been a nickname by friends but more by bullies, and I want to leave that behind. My mom still calles me "Nene"; she says that's what I called myself as an itty bitty baby, and it stuck.

 
3. What was your favorite thing to do at recess?

 We didn't really have recess, we had breaks in between class blocks. I'd say I liked most the first *illegal* snowball fights in the school yard after the first snow fall of the year.

 
4. What did you want to be when you grew up?

 Many things: vet, fire fighter, a princess. Definitely not a financial accountant  ;-)
 

5. Did you participate in any school activities?

 Not really. Remember the bullies? Didn't want to deal with them in my free time. I participated in things I had to, and that was it.

 
6. What is the funniest thing you did as a kid that your parents still remind you about?

Nothing real. I will think about it and share if I remember something...

Does Our Daughter Suffer From PTSD

I have a little shadow; her name is Violet. She follows me around and gets upset if I leave anywhere without her. She constantly follows me around to inquire whether she could come with me, whether we are having plans to go out or not. Except of work, I hardly ever leave the house without her, but still, she needs the constant reassurance that we would not leave her behind. Richards joked at some point that she might have been abandoned in a past life. However, we're also very worried about her. We thought her attachment, which was extreme from early infancy on, would pass, but so far, it hasn't.

I have talked to one of my best friends about it and she mentioned the possibility of infancy PTSD to me. I couldn't imagine that. Nothing really "traumatic" had happened, she was never abused or neglected and born int a loving family even though we all went through a transition during this time. Early into the pregnancy we had decided that it would be the best for the family to relocate to Germany once Violet was born. So we had been packing and sending boxes. I suffered from a certain anxiety during that time, which I considered normal considering the prospect of packing up a family of four and moving to a different country on another continent without having jobs, without having a home (we were to stay with my grandparents untiil we had found jobs and a new home). About two weeks before Violet was born, I received a phone call from my parents; my grandfather had died from a brain aneurism. I was shocked, but was not in the emotional position to really accept the grief. Once our baby had arrived, the stress started of sending out the last boxes, getting all her travel documents and organize the move. On the day of the move, I was a mess. I hardly didn't sleep, cleaned the entire house taking care of a toddler and a newborn while Richard stood in line for 2 hours to cancel the last utilities. We moved and lived with my family for two months before moving to our own apartment about an hour away.

Last week, I stumbled over an interesting article by Julie at Life.. According to Julie on parenting an anxious child. This post got me to do some research, where I came across this article on PTSD in young children published by the Minnesota Association for Children's Mental Health (MACMH). Even though, as I mentioned before, she was never abused or neglected, I am wondering whether she has experienced the whole move as something more traumatic than we had thought before. I acknowledge that Lily, almost 2.5 years old at this point, had sufferent from night terrors for about two months after the move and slept in our bed every night during that time, which she had never done before as she was always a good sleeper. But she recovered and became her old self again.

Violet, in contrast, is still displaying many symptoms described in above referenced article by the MACMH: "difficulties in going to sleep (,) disrupted sleep, an exaggerated startle response, increased irritability or fussiness, and / or intesne separation anxiety." During the first months of her life, no-one but me could comfort her if I was around (and she always seemed to know). She never was able to fall asleep by herself until she was about 2 years old. She still is not sleeping all the way until the morning but wakes up and needs to be picked up from her room. When she was about 4 months old, she had a phase when she would wake 5 or 6 times per night (yes, I was a zombie during these months), and she still has extreme separation anxiety. She accepts me going to work, but when she knows that I am home, she will inquire over and over again whether I would stay home, and if she gets the notion that I would go somewhere (whether I actually do plan to leave the house or not), she will ask over and over again if she could come, too, even when we already put on her jacket and hat. I am not even able to go to the basement to get soemthing from the freezer without her following me. Until now, I thought she was just very attached, but this article really got me to think. I cannot bring it over me to push her away from me and purposefully do things without her. I truly believe that this would make things worse rather than curing anything.

I hoped for the longest time that she would rally and detach herself naturally, but as her third birthday approaches I wonder whether she actually does need help. Next month we have her 3-year check-up and I will definitely will talk to her doctor about the issue. I hope that I am just an overly anxious mother, but should she need help, I want her to get it as early as possible to be able to lead a normal life.

Still Speechless!!

Last Sunday I went with the girls to see my parents (Richard had a well-deserved "day off" role playing with his friends). My parents had invited a little 3-year old girl who spends a lot of time with them so the kids could all play together. At some point during the day I got to witness the following scene:

While the girls were all playing upstairs I was having coffee with my parents downstairs. Suddenly, the 3-year old called for my mother. We went upstairs to check what had happened. Obviously, Lily had gone in one of the rooms, closed the door behind herself and was now playing there. The girl demanded from us to order Lily to open the door. Of course we refused and told the girl to open the door herself; the girl shook her head saying that she couldn't open the door because Lily had told her not to do so. We told her that if she didn't open the door she would just have to play outside (where most of the toys were anyways). There, she just lost it. She was getting angry, yelling, screaming and threatening Lily to open the door; of course, Lily did not. The girl started flailing at the door like a little maniac, continuing screaming and cussing without ever once touching the door handle to simply open the door. I removed Violet from the situation and waited until the girl recaptured composure, which took her quite a while.

To be honest, I have seen my share of tantrums with our girls, but this scene just left me completely speechless! Even not quite 2-year old Violet would have gone and opened the door which had not been locked or barred. Right now I am considering contacting her daycare providers, who have before mentioned to her custodian that her behavior in the group was strange. Obviously she was more often than not simply sitting in her corner staring in front of herself and needs to be almost forced to participate in group activities. Am I exaggerating and is all this still normal behavior for a 3-year old?  

PS: This experience will probably be part of another post in the foreseeable future, but I'm still digesting on this experience and will need some time to put it in perspective. Any comment is highly appreciated!!

Live What You Preach

I think I can say that my kids have made me a lot more self-aware. I try to speak more clearly, try to be more self-confident about myself, eat healthier, and so on. But how much of the other things we try to our kids, like tolerance, acceptance, and the importance of diversity are we truly living? How far has prejudice and xenophobia penetrated our society and daily life? (Let's just remember the killer spree of a band of neo-nazis here in Germany being labeled the "Doener Murders".; seriously??)

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a documentary on Tolerance Week. It followed a so-called "wolf-girl", whose face and shoulders are covered in hair, in her daily life, showing her struggles to fit in and be accepted by society, her peers, and even her family. At some point Lily reacted much like a 4-year old would: she giggled and said the girl looked funny. Of course I gave her the speech of how people look different and that everyone is beautiful in their own way. But later on it made me think how much of what I had told my little girl I actually live in daily life myself?

Growing up I knew a boy, who, by false treatment in the hospital when he was born, had developed a condition of excessive hair growth on his entire body. To me, he was always just Tobi. When he first started kindergarten he was doing fine and made friends quickly. A few months later, however, that changed. I remember overhearing our moms talk about the names my friend was called in kindergarten due to his looks. Names, that definitely did not spring from the kids' heads but things they must have overheard their parents say. It took years for him to be accepted again as he was during the first few months, since kids easily learn, not only the positive things but also the cruelties.

I will be honest, I definitely catch myself in situation where I wonder: was this just necessary? Would I want my daughters see me doing or saying that? I am human and far, far from perfect, but I try not to be a bigot. I do not want to teach tolerance to my girls without heeding my own teachings. Thus, I am trying every day to become a better person for my children's sake, to make this world a better one, even if it is only by small deeds. I want both of them to be a better person than I am, and maybe even manage to become a better person myself on the way.