The Bravest Thing

The week is over, and it's weird, because it doesn't really feel like weekend yet. I was on sick leave from Tuesday on, and seriously wonder if I'll be back Monday. I'm going from feeling fine to bouts of elevated temperature, to sleeping all day long, to back feeling fine. It's annoying and obnoxious, and I really, really cannot wait to feel 100% again. Anyways, time still to link up with Janine and Kate for Finish The Sentence Friday; today's sentence:

The bravest thing I've ever done was...

... packing up our family and move to another country. Without any jobs lined up, with only my grandmother's mold-infested house to stay in, to say good-bye to friends who have become family, to leave a place that has become home to ensure a better future for our family.

And why? Because we felt that there was no real future for our family in Washington State. We loved the place, and we loved the people, but I was stuck in a job with little chance of improvment and a salary that JUST paid the bills when we were a family of three, and close to no job-options for Richard in that economic environment. Then the positive pregnancy test, the panic, the what-can-we-do's, and finally the decision to move back to my native Germany. Where we would have a place to stay at first (not knowing that this place would make us sick, but that's another story), some income from Kindergeld (a monthly stipend the government pays for each child) and Erziehungsgeld (yet another government stipend that is paid to parents for up to 14 months after a child is born), public health insurance, and the potential for a good future for our family.

It was scary back then, but today I am glad we did it. I was able to find a job that I probably would have never gotten in the U.S. I have full sick pay for up to 6 weeks in a row. I get additional sick days if the children are sick. We earn a better income, the kids go to better schools, and one day may have the chance to go to university, at a very low tuition fee. There is a lot more security and the knowledge that there is a network of social services and benefits that will support us in the worst case.

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

It is our last evening here with our friends in Washington. Tomorrow, come 4:30am we will pack the luggage and kids in the car, me most likely squished in between the girls under a whole bunch of bags on the backseat, and head out to the airport. While, on the one hand I am looking forward to returning to normality at home, I do not want to leave all those people behind once again.

Taking in consideration the often-cited saying (see headline), in have to say that my heart is all over the place. I still miss people terribly that I am friends with from when we lived in Kansas. And even though I did not like Kansas in particular (can you say: tornado!!), I felt like I left a part of me behind when I left the place where I was welcomed with so open arms, the place where Richard and I had our first home together, where I got pregnant and brought our firstborn daughter home.

Here in Washington, we have spent 2 years, building a family away from our actual families. Arriving here in July 2008, I thought it to be our home, where we would raise our girls and build our life post-Army. Little did we know that we would end up at almost the exact place where we started out in 2005. When we left Washington last year, I left my home to a uncertain future, just the way we did for our move there. And once again we pushed through it and build a new home for ourselves, meet new people and reconnected with old friends.

Now, as I am getting ready to return to Germany, I feel it more than ever how much I will miss Washington once we're back. I felt elated as our plane from Texas descended upon Seattle, and I know that I will feel the same once our plane will hit German ground. And while my home will be wherever Richard and the girls are, I know that a piece of me will remain in Washington, with those people who have been more than friends to us, who have taken us in as family, and with all those wonderful memories we have shared during our 2 years here. But while I am sad I also know that this family will always be there for us, and we will return to create more and more wonderful memories for everyone to cherish.

The Art Of Moving - Theory vs. Reality

Recently I was asked to write a guest post for The Millennial Housewife on organizing our move to Germany. Here is the article I wrote about 2 weeks ago:

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Our Lives in Boxes – Moving a family overseas

When I was asked to write this guest blog about how we are organizing our move to Germany, a lot of scenes from these past months came up in my brain. Most of them were painful, but there were also some good ones. Decluttering always makes me feel lighter, and it has been much too long since we have done a thorough sweep through all of our things. If I remember right, we’ve never done it that thoroughly in our 4 years of marriage, which included two moves.

Why is this move different? We’re organizing it ourselves. And it is not a move a few streets further, or even to another state; no, it is to another continent. We made this decision while on vacation in Germany a little over a year ago; the ultimate timeframe was set sometime last December, after finding out we were expecting another baby and taking a few months to evaluate all of our options. Since the GI Bill has let us down once again, we decided to move shortly after our daughter’s birth in spring, giving us a few weeks to get all necessary travel documents and enough time for me to recover.

We really started getting into the moving-groove a few weeks before Violet was born, when I urged Richard to finally decimate his library. Over the years, my husband has accumulated several hundreds of books, sometimes dropping a whole paycheck at Barnes & Noble (pre-me of course). Our plan was to reduce all of our belongings to about 10 – 15 boxes, that we would send to a friend who is currently stationed in Germany (APO-addresses be praised!). This, along with selling our car this last week, was probably the most painful task for him in this move. I went through several shoe boxes of letters, postcards, and other nick-nacks, and reduced them to one box of things I really couldn’t do without. Over the weeks we started sending boxes out, so far only with things that we wouldn’t really miss. The books that didn’t make the cut were sold and donated to the library (which should soon be hard pressed to at least name a wing after Richard).

What followed this fairly informal first step was “The List”, with all the tasks we had to complete before the move, and time limits where necessary. Many of these tasks were new to us, since last time we took our own cars when we moved from Kansas up to Washington State, and the Army managed the move of all of our belongings, packing and all. So far I’ve managed to:
- Call the power and cable/phone/internet companies and inform them about the move and cut-off date
- Hand in the termination of lease notice to the apartment manager
- Go to the bank and consolidate all accounts into one checking account
- Close the credit card
- Book tickets
- Book a hotel for the night before the flight
- Book a rental car big enough to take all of our stuff to Vancouver, Canada
- Check that all travel documents are in order
- Hand in the change-of-address form at the post office

The next step was Craig’s List, the place of choice to sell all of our more valuable odds and ends, such as our cars. Luckily, most of our furniture will find new homes with our friends, which somehow makes it easier for us to part with, since we know that their new owners will appreciate them.

Right now, I am sitting in a seemingly cluttered apartment, with two packed boxes on the coffee table. When I look around it does not look as if we were moving in less than a week (apart from the boxes of course). I know that it will be different come Friday and all the furniture is gone and the last few boxes sent on their way to Germany. The most important task at this point is to make sure that all the things we will need for the journey and the first months in Germany, such as
- Passports
- Birth Certificates for the girls (important to be able to apply for “Kindergeld” und Elterngeld” in Germany)
- Marriage Certificate for Richard’s Visa
- All educational certificates and records for the job search
- Richard’s military records
Despite all the chaos, there is not much more left to do but deep-clean the apartment once it’s empty, pack our suitcases, and maybe make another trip to Goodwill to get rid of some odds and ends that have escaped us so far. Seeing all this makes me mostly sad, because all the belongings we have accumulated during our 4 years of marriage are gone (or will be gone soon). But all that is just things that can easily be replaced. And, as Richard is saying on occasion: at least, all the clutter is gone and we’ll be able to start on a clean slate. The girl in me is already looking forward to spending weekends browsing through IKEA and crafts shops to find the perfect things to decorate the girls’ rooms, and to negate all the decluttering of the past months.

(this article was posted on June 8th)
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Fast forward to today. We've arrived in Germany on June 9th in a haze, that has only partially lifted by now. The last few days of organizing were an ordeal as well. One may not believe how much clutter can hide in the most unlikely places. When all of our furniture was gone on June 4th, the apartment floor was hidden under loads and loads of things. The post office rejected to send some of our boxes for excess weight, and 3-4 boxes turned into 7. The plan was to have the final walk-through at 12pm on June 6th; we ended up not leaving until 5pm.

What went wrong? Here's the list:

1. Ask a friend! Even though we had a well thought-through plan on how to organize everything, and managed to stick to our list mostly, the last days just were too stressful. With two little kids around, the packing and cleaning took much longer than I've planned. Having an extra hand or two would have been the solution. However, in our strive to not be a burden to anyone, we just took on way too much. At this point, asking for help, and if it's only for babysitting would have been the way to go.

2. Don't procrastinate! Yes, I admit, we're guilty of the crime of procrastination. Some cleaning tasks such as cleaning the windows or clearing out one or two closets could have been done several days in advance. This would have prevented me from entering into a cleaning marathon that lasted until 4am and started again at 6. Especially time-consuming tasks such as cleaning behind the stove or fridge could have been accomplished as much as a couple of weeks in advance and saved me much time and even more nerves in the end.

3. Talk to your apartment manager! Just talking to Kelly could have saved me hours in cleaning time. Why did diligently wipe down all the blinds if they will end up being deep-cleaned by professionals anyways? Make sure you know if the management intends to replace any fixtures, cabinets, or carpets after you move out so you don't spend hours cleaning for naught.

4. No matter what: get at least 6 hours of sleep! This will help you keep your sanity and stay calm in stressful situations and prevents you from standing in the bathroom crying along with your baby.

Well, hindsight is always clearer, I guess. I only deeply regret the hours we missed spending with our friends for a last supper on US ground. I'd rather sat around with Cat, Charlie and Tom, eating lasagna and faux black forest cake than running around like a mad chicken in our littered apartment.

When There's No Right

Yes, I am depressed. Majorly. I've been battling with depressions since my teenage years, was in therapy as a teenager and on anti-depressants after I started college. About a year later I decided, that I was done with all of it, quit therapy and drugs. Therapy has never worked for me, and when I finally found a wonderful therapist, she was booked and did not accept any clients for the foreseeable future. At this point, all I wanted is being all me again, embracing the sadness as a part of my being rather than battling it. In Richard I found the perfect partner, who understands this part without having to ask questions, to whom I don't have to explain myself.

I'm glad to say, that I've barely had any depressive episodes, at least no major ones, since I found out about being pregnant with Lily. Until now. This move is taking it all out of me. At this point, I don't know any more what's right or wrong, if we're doing the right thing, even though all I wanted is to go back to Germany. I had a little depressive phase when my friend Kathrin, whose husband was stationed with Richard in Fort Riley, returned to Germany, and also after we returned from our first trip back home when Lily was 13 months old. It was then that we decided we wanted to go back. When we found out that we expected Violet, we decided not to waste any more time and move back as soon as she is born and we have all the papers in order. This time is now; we have only a good week left here, and I'm in the midst of quite a deep depression. I wonder, if the decision to go back was wrong. Actually, I know that it wasn't; it was a good decision for the well-being and advantage of our daughters. We don't want to be concerned about their education and health care, and we want them to be able to grow up with family.

On the other hand, I am very concerned about the impact this move will have on our family, especially on Lily. We're part of a very tight group of friends, who in these almost 2 years here have become our family. Cat is more the girls' grandma than anyone else. She's known Lily since she was 6 months old, has celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her birthdays with her; she's seen her almost every week, and Lily just loves her and Charlie to death. She spends Friday afternoon waiting for the door ringing, because that means her grandma and Uncle Charlie are arriving. We'll also miss our friends Yi, David, and Danielle, who have been her real aunts and uncle. Danielle's daughters Emma and Ahnna are Lily's best friends, and it warms my heart seeing her take off with the girls as soon as they see each other. Leaving all those wonderful people behind breaks my heart more than I would have ever thought. I am concerned about the impact the change will have on Lily; I know, little kids adapt quickly, but this will be the second time for her, and this move will soon be followed by a second, small move to our own place once we have found jobs. Being 2 is a difficult time for little kids, and I hope that Lily will overcome these huge changes easily, but I am also very concerned, because she's a very sensitive little girl.

We are giving up this amazing network of family-like friends for the security we'll have in Germany. I know that our friends aren't lost to us. We are already planning a visit back to Washington before Violet turns 2, and Cat and Charlie are eying a visit to Germany sometime next year. Technology is also on our side, with Skype, e-mail, and telephone being available, but still. I'll miss the Friday evenings with our D&D group, the holidays with Cat and Charlie, and the almost weekly visits with David. I'll miss seeing Lily getting excited as soon as we pull up Davids house, or when Yi enters our apartment. On the upside, we'll change this for holidays with my families, and visits with my best friend from high school, Sonja. We won't have to worry how to pay for the medical bills when the girls get sick, and whether we can afford for one of us staying at home to school the kids because the school system here lacks in every regard. The girls will still grow up with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins around. But knowing that does not make it any easier for me.

It seems as if no matter which way we go, it's not right. Staying here would not be good for our family in the long run, while moving is extremely painful at the moment and might cause issues for Lily. We know from economics class, that the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term losses, but once emotions come into the equation, it is not that easy. At the moment I wished I could just stop time, still being here with our friends while looking forward to the move, but this is not possible. I'm sure it will become easier once we're in Germany and are too busy getting established to feel sad or depressed; and once we're established, we'll be busy building our lives, and planning our first trip back to Washington. I know, time will fly and sooner than we know it we'll be back. It's just those few weeks I need to overcome, before there will be light at the end of the tunnel again for me. Just go forward.

PS: Listening to HIM really fuels the mood!!

Moving Pains: Update

I promise you, soon you won't have to deal with my posts on moving any more, in 10 days, to be exact; that's when we'll touch German ground again, and officially start the adventure "starting a new life abroad". Until then I'll use the opportunity to update you all on our progress so far. This move was definitely much more difficult and demanding on us than our last two, since we don't just have to write a termination notice to our apartment manager and cancel the utilities, but also sort through many years' worth of belongings, strictly weeding out things we could do without, and packing boxes, hoping the china and stemware would make it to Germany in one piece. Here are the things we have accomplished so far:

As of now, 12 boxes with personal belongings are on their way to my friend in Germany (3 or 4 more are still to be packed and sent shortly before we leave, since we still need those items). Luckily, sending all of them hasn't been nearly as expensive as we've thought, partly thanks to my friend's APO address and media mail, but also the USPS's incredibly low parcel post rates. That's why we'll probably send a couple more boxes than initially planned, for which I am really thankful!

We have all travel documents in order and booked the plane tickets, hotel in Vancouver, and finally also an SUV to take us there. The day we applied for Violet's passport, Richard went online to check flight schedules and cost. Luckily, we decided not only to check our local Seattle-Tacoma airport, but also the one in Vancouver, Canada, only about 3-4 hours away from us, and found out that the flights from Vancouver cost at least $200 less than those out of Seattle; an additional perk interesting for families with small children is that the flight from Vancouver is non-stop while the one from Seattle has a lay-over either on the East coast or in Europe. Since our flight takes off shortly after 11am, we decided to drive up to Vancouver a day early in order to take a lot of stress off the trip. Since we decided to book early, we were able to secure an awesome rate at a hotel near the airport. The last obstacle was finding a rental car large enough to take all of our luggage up to Vancouver. Online, only regular-sized sedans were available, which wouldn't be enough for the 4 of us, 3 suitcases, a golf bag, a travel bed, and a whole bunch of carry-ons. Last week we finally went out to inquire at different rental agencies, and finally found a great offer from Hertz. On Monday, June 7th we'll head out to pick up our SUV for our trip to Vancouver, and I'm excited, always wanted to drive an SUV (but never own one).

Last Monday we have sold our Chevy. It was bitter-sweet: on the one hand, we were glad we don't have to worry about it any more, on the other hand it was a little painful to see this car go. We have bought it when we first came to the US in 2006, expecting to own it for at least a decade while building our family. But this is a sacrifice we needed to do; but it's just a car, nothing we couldn't replace at some point.

Today, we finally had our yard sale; last week, the weather and our health destroyed the plans, but today we faced the occasional showers and set out early in the morning to get rid of a bunch of our stuff. All the things we couldn't sell we donated to Goodwill, so again, we're a big step further towards finalizing this move. Comcast and PSE are notified as well, the credit card account closed and all funds consolidated in our checking account. The car insurance for the Chevy is canceled, and Geico notified about the insurance being canceled for the Mazda as well. Yesterday, I finally managed to break the curse of procrastination and test-packed my suit-case, being very surprised that everything fit so far.

All that is left for now is taking all of our furniture to our friends on Friday, weeding out Richard's closet and pack his suitcase, pack and send out the last 3 or 4 boxes, and deep-cleaning the apartment. Looking around right now, it looks as if we were so far from being done, but thinking about the chores left, we're much closer than it appears. Maybe it will become much more real once the furniture is gone and the apartment looks like we're moving. Probably we won't be able to have a farewell party, therefore the remaining 10 days will be busy with getting together with our friends and saying our last good-byes. That's the part I'm dreading most about the whole move, and I hope it will be over quick and painless. I know that the most difficult part will be saying good-bye to Cat and Charlie; I'll try to focus on planning our next get-together hopefully early next year, instead of actually saying good-bye.

Road Trippin'

My second song title as blog title, I need to stop that! Anyways, just listening to the RHCP (guess the song..) with Myth Busters running in the background while I'm typing this; I wonder whether songs are going to inspire me or just distract me from what I really want to say.. I guess we'll see.

With yet another big move ahead of us (yes, I'll write about it AGAIN, because that's what's on my mind a lot these days!), I am thinking about all the trips, big and small, behind me. Growing up, we were lucky that our parents decided that traveling and broadening our horizon is a good thing, therefore we got to go on a family vacation abroad about once a year. Over the years I've been to Italy, Spain, Greece, Austria, Bulgaria, just to name a few. School took me to Hungary, Ireland, and France. The summer before I started 12th grade I went to a summer course to England to prepare for my English finals. This was my first trip all by myself, and it was the best experience in my life so far. I stayed with an English family, who had 2 kids about my age. We partied at home and went out clubbing together; I got my first tattoo this summer, sang my share of drunken karaok,e and was robbed for the first (and only) time. And of course I improved my English; it was then that I discovered, that I am somewhat talented writing, and that I enjoy it. I think my first attempts at creative writing from this summer are still hidden somewhere in my old room at my parents' house. This trip definitely taught me a lot, not only academically, but also about life; I came back more confident and independent, having learned the one or the other lesson (never EVER put your back to your purse, even if it's to keep your drunk friends from running off).

The next defining trip was the trip with my best friend Sonja to Istanbul. It was the last trip as a single woman, the last before graduating college and starting a life in a foreign country. It was only a long weekend, but we enjoyed discovering an ancient city so full of historic treasures. We ate at little taverns on the streets and had vodka lemon drinks with way more vodka than you would ever get in Germany. We caused confusion about our nationality at the spice market, bought real Pashmina shawls (yes, the ones made of silk and cashmere) for a fraction of their price back home, and acquired a year's supply of tea. We saw Topkapi palace, the Blue Mosque, and the Hagia Sophia together, and survived various trips on the local dolmus. I will never ever forget this trip with my best friend, which brought us even closer together.

About 9 months after my trip to Turkey, I embarked on the greatest adventure of my life. Newly married to the most wonderful man in the world and a recent college graduate I entered a plane to the US to start a life with my new husband. We stopped in Maryland where I got to meet his parents and grandma before traveling on to our new home for the next two years, Manhattan KS. Only two years later, we had just become new parents a few months ago, Richard quit the Army, I quit my job, we packed all of our belongings and moved to Washington State to start a new life. Here, we have made our home, met new, wonderful people who have become our family and watched our daughter grow from a little baby to the most beautiful little girl one can imagine. We went through some difficulties, but always came out on top and stronger than before. After a trip back home to Germany we decided on yet another big move back to Germany in order to be able to provide a better life for Lily. When we found out a few months later that we were expecting a second baby, we knew that we had to make definite plans and decisions now, and decided to move once our little daughter was born.

This date is less than two weeks away now. At the moment, both of our little girls are sleeping while I am sitting here, musing about our lives, our past, our future. More than ever I realize, that life is not a straight path to our ultimate finish line; it is all up to us how we shape the course of our lives. In order to have a fulfilled life we must not live for the end, but in the here and now. We should learn from the mistakes in the past, plan for the future, but mostly enjoy the present, with all the gifts in it. Who knows when we reach the finish line; stop looking and realize that your journey is your destination.

All Those Small Things

This afternoon I found myself sitting in a local short-order restaurant opposite my husband and older daughter with our younger daughter sleeping peacefully in her car seat beside me, munching on my delicious salmon burger and stealing a couple of fries from our daughter's kid's meal. Suddenly, I had to smile. Out of the blue, for no particular reason. Sitting there, looking at those three people that mean the world and more to me, my flowed over with happiness. My husband noticed my smile and asked me what was up, and I just told him nothing. Nothing in particular. I was simply happy.

But what was I so happy about? I suddenly became aware of all the small things that we mostly don't even notice in our day-to-day routine. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters. We're all healthy; ok, we're all having a cold right now, but nothing bad, and for the most part, we're healthy. We have friends, who are more like family than some people who are actually related to us. We have people supporting us no matter what. And we're doing fine financially. In this economy, that's a good thing. We're about to embark on an adventure to better our lives as a family, with support from so many sides. And right now, we have so much time to spend together as a family. Probably time is the major thing I am thankful for right now.

In the last two years, and maybe even before that, family time was oftentimes short. In between jobs, commuting time, and other obligations, spending time together was often not possible. Our only family vacation was a stressful trip to Germany, where we had an overfilled schedule of meeting with all the people we haven't seen in such a long time (most of my family I hadn't seen in three years). Once we returned, I was so ready for a vacation, but instead was back in my chair at the office the very next day, jet-lagged or not, I didn't have an option. The only thing we did not have during our vacation was quality time as a family. And once we move to Germany it will be a while until we can just relax and really enjoy time just us 4 together again. In between dealing with living with family, running from government agency to government agency to register our residence, applying for different services, applying for Richard's visa, looking for jobs, etc. there will be little time to relax. And once we have jobs, it will be all about looking for an apartment and moving our little family.

Right now, I am dream-planning a weekend trip for our family to this small hotel in the middle of nowhere in the Bavarian Forest. My parents used to take me and my sister there for family vacations a few time; back then, I was mostly bored, but right now I can't imagine anything better than just relaxing, taking a dip in the pool, sweating in the sauna, and enjoying walks in the forest. My goal is to realize this trip this year, which means our family will be established independently by then. We'll do our best to achieve our goal, and be able to enjoy time as a family again. But no matter what, nothing really matters as long as we four are together, and this is truly the best gift in the world!

Moving Sucks!!

Here, I said it! I don't want to move! Ok, I do, but I don't.. I know, it doesn't make sense, but that's exactly how it is. Period.

Has anyone ever tried to pack 4 years of married life, more of 2 with children, and at least 20 years of bachelor life in about 16 boxes, 3 suitcases, and a bunch of carry-ons?? Yes, the oldest things I've found were a card I received for my 6th birthday and a box with my baby teeth. On Richard's side there are a bunch of games and books he inherited from his cousin Tim. Along that road, we've said painful good-byes to a lot of things very close to our hearts (yes, said birthday card had to go, along with most of Richard's beloved library). I passed on the little outfit Violet wore when we brought her home to a girl from my office, who's expecting a little girl in September, which was painful as well, but necessary. Tomorrow, we will have a moving sale to try to get rid of a few more things to empty out our apartment. In a little less the two weeks, we'll pack all of our furniture in a moving truck and will take it to their new owners, mostly friends we know will cherish them. And I can tell you, it's painful!

I don't even want to think about saying good-bye to all of our friends (some of whom have become our family here). This will be harder than anything I've ever done, and something I truly don't want to do. I want to pack them all and bring them to Germany with us; unfortunately, that doesn't work... At times I think about the moment we will have to say our farewells, and can't really fathom how it will be; there's a good chance I'll be hysteric, but probably not. We've accomplished a lot towards our move, but still procrastinating about the rest. We're currently trying to sell our cars and have been wanting to go to the car rental store to select a car for our trip up to Vancouver.This was actually on our to-do list for last week, but as I've mentioned, we're procrastinating. Richard's goal is to have everything but the furniture and other necessities out of the house by Friday.

So here we are, deciding on which earthly belongings are important enough to keep and which to get rid of. Things we owned while still single, and all those little treasures we've bought together after we got married. During our two moves since we've gotten married this was never an issue, since the Army paid for having everything neatly packed and shipped to our destination. But since we've ditched the Army (don't regret that for a minute), it will all be up to us now. The shed is empty, the first raid through the closet complete (there will be a second), Goodwill, the Salvation Army, and the local library are happy, and we're by quite some pounds lighter. Above mentioned 16 boxes are mostly packed, the last 4 waiting to be shipped shortly before we leave. Our new start in Germany will truly be a new start, and I'm really looking forward to it, even though I'm also deeply saddened (it's the weirdest feeling, believe me!). I think my enthusiasm will really kick in about half-way through the flight to Frankfurt, after somewhat getting over the depression of leaving our friends behind. To make it easier, we're already making plans of visiting each other, and we will follow through! I'm already looking forward to coming back with the girls over and over again as they grow. We're truly up to an adventure, which will hopefully the last of its kind for our family!

Sorry No More

I have been raised by my mom to do my best to fit in, to strive to please others around me to a degree that is actually unhealthy. "You have nothing and you are nothing" was a phrase I frequently heard growing up, which caused a number of issues in my life that need not be discussed at this point. It also caused me being sorry for who I am, and thus trying everything possible to hide who I am, to fit in, and to try everything to make everyone around me happy without regard to my own needs.

Despite all issues, it has also lead to me becoming a very ambitious individual, with a sense of perfectionism that borders on OCD (just ask Richard, he can tell you stories). At age 26 I am happily married and mother to two beautiful girls; I have 2 college degrees, and seriously think about going back to school to earn a graduate degree or beyond in a couple of years; I have worked multiple jobs for most of the time since I was 16. However, despite all this, it seems that I am simply not able to please some people in my surroundings. Accepting this has been a long and painful journey, which is far from completed at this point. But one thing I have definitely learned, mostly through the unconditional love and support from my husband and daughters: I don't have to please everyone. In fact, I don't have to please anyone but myself, and by simply not being too hard on myself and just enjoy life and the people in it will make me happier and therefore have a positive impact not only on myself but also my loved ones. I came to realize that my husband and daughters will always love me, even if I am not always perfect, and I love them even more for making me understand that. The more it infuriates me that those people I have tried so hard to please for way too long have nothing better to do than turn around and hurt those I love. Having grown up in a situation of favoritism, I hated it, even though I was the favored one. seeing my sister being hurt over and over again even though she tried everything to please hurt me as well. Now, being on the other end of the spectrum, I finally have the sense to put my foot down. This, besides more primary reasons such as education and health care, was among the points that helped us decide to move our family to Germany, where the girls can grow up far away from this damaging influence. And it will also give me the opportunity to finally exhale and maybe even get over it eventually.

I am fairly positive, that the people to whom this is directed will not read this blog, but that's ok. Writing about it helps and is yet another step towards overcoming these issues and healing. I am finally at a point, where I can positively say that I am not sorry any more for who I am, thanks to the infinite support from my wonderful husband. I am who I am; those who don't like that are not worth my time or consideration. This is the simple conclusion, but even though I know it in my head, my heart still needs some working on that.