I've written on here a few times about Lily's struggle with a certain boy, R., at her kindergarten class. He would bug her, and eventually, the attacks became physical as well. She was very upset about the situation, while we assured her to be on her side and had a couple of meetings with her teachers about that.
We learned that this particular boy had similar issues Lily had when she first started kindergarten, not being able to communicate too well as he's from a family of immigrants as well. The only difference is that Lily was a 3-year old girl, and R. is a 5-year old boy with a much lower frustration threshold.
After a not-so-nice situation at dinner one evening, when Lily started bad-mouthing the boy, we sat her down to talk about taking other's into consideration, explaining to her why R. was behaving the way he is and that it's support and friendship he needs, not being cast out.
Last week, Lily told us during dinner about a situation in kindergarten: R. had spilled a good amount of juice from the container, and Lily was helping him cleaning the mess up. After that, they were friends, until R. announced during the class trip to the planetarium that now they couldn't be friends any more because she was a girl. Lily concluded - very matter-of-fact-ish - that he probably won't stay with this opinion for more than a couple of days.
I think that moment, my heart overflowed with love for that little girl who understands so much at such a young age, who has the kindest heart I can imagine, and who is so full of optimism that it leaves me amazed over and over again. I'm so proud of our girl!!
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
From The Bully's Perspective
Lily has been having issues with a bully in her kindergarten class. At first, I thought that it was only Lily, but now it seems that many other kids have issues with this particular kid as well. A few weeks ago, we had one of the bi-annual meetings with Lily's teacher, discussing her progress and any issues she may have. And since it is really something on Lily's heart, we also discussed that particular boy. Which options there are to not only help Lily but also the boy.
It actually turns out that the two have a few things in common. When Lily started kindergarten, she also still had issues with the language. She started to have issues with other kids, which was partly caused by the language barrier, and partly by Lily trying to be one of the adults, the only group of people who have offered stability in her life. But the big difference is that Lily was a 3-year odl girl back then; the boy is now 5, only a year away from 1st grade.
Tonight at dinner, Lily suddenly started bad-mouthing the boy, how he was annoying and always bothering everyone and that she would never let him write in her kindergarten class-mate book. While we definitely dislike bullying, ostracizing a kid that obviously has troubles and not way to express his feelings than being mean or violent against others is not a solution either. And bad-mouthing is certainly not tolerated in our house.
She became quiet and listened as we explained to her possible reasons why the boy behaved the way he does, and that excluding him would not help the situation but rather make everything worse. We are really lucky that Lily is not only a very kind little girl (mostly) but that she also has a very soft heart and feels for others. We suggested that instead of writing him off as a trouble-maker, she should meet him with friendliness and show him that he is still welcome in the group.
She definitely got the idea, so we need to see how the next weeks go and if the situation improves. Keep you fingers crossed!
It actually turns out that the two have a few things in common. When Lily started kindergarten, she also still had issues with the language. She started to have issues with other kids, which was partly caused by the language barrier, and partly by Lily trying to be one of the adults, the only group of people who have offered stability in her life. But the big difference is that Lily was a 3-year odl girl back then; the boy is now 5, only a year away from 1st grade.
Tonight at dinner, Lily suddenly started bad-mouthing the boy, how he was annoying and always bothering everyone and that she would never let him write in her kindergarten class-mate book. While we definitely dislike bullying, ostracizing a kid that obviously has troubles and not way to express his feelings than being mean or violent against others is not a solution either. And bad-mouthing is certainly not tolerated in our house.
She became quiet and listened as we explained to her possible reasons why the boy behaved the way he does, and that excluding him would not help the situation but rather make everything worse. We are really lucky that Lily is not only a very kind little girl (mostly) but that she also has a very soft heart and feels for others. We suggested that instead of writing him off as a trouble-maker, she should meet him with friendliness and show him that he is still welcome in the group.
She definitely got the idea, so we need to see how the next weeks go and if the situation improves. Keep you fingers crossed!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
The Power Of Friendship
For those who don't know me very well, I tend to be an optimistic pessimist, someone who expects the worst and hopes for the best. And I always try to find the grain of good in whatever situation presents itself. Having a positive outlook on life has has made situations much more bearable in the past, and I'm doing my best to teach this attitude to the girls.
Lily came up this evening today, telling me with tears in her eyes about a situation with the bully today. While getting ready to head outside to play, he had torn of her hat and thrown it to his friend, making fun of Lily. There have been various situations with that kid before, so I asked Lily if she had gotten her hat back or if we should do the step and contact his parents. Lily said that her best friend had snatched her hat from the other boy and her other friend was telling off the bully, demanding that he'd leave Lily in peace.
I hugged her, asking if she was ok, and tried to help her see that this situation, as bad and unnecessary as it was, also showed her something very, very important: that she had friends she could rely on and who were standing by her side.
Seeing her eyes light up with the realization definitely was a highlight of my day!
Lily came up this evening today, telling me with tears in her eyes about a situation with the bully today. While getting ready to head outside to play, he had torn of her hat and thrown it to his friend, making fun of Lily. There have been various situations with that kid before, so I asked Lily if she had gotten her hat back or if we should do the step and contact his parents. Lily said that her best friend had snatched her hat from the other boy and her other friend was telling off the bully, demanding that he'd leave Lily in peace.
I hugged her, asking if she was ok, and tried to help her see that this situation, as bad and unnecessary as it was, also showed her something very, very important: that she had friends she could rely on and who were standing by her side.
Seeing her eyes light up with the realization definitely was a highlight of my day!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Mean Kid
On Wednesday evening, Lily came to me, telling me that a new kid from her kindergarten class has started to bully her. Lily told me that the boy keeps telling her that her pants were always falling off, and that his father said that as well. She said that his behavior was making her angry and that he wouldn't stop.
First of all, I'm very proud of Lily that she didn't blow up at some point. I would have totally understood if she did. I thought about how to handle the situation. At first, of course, I ensured Lily that everything was fine with her pants, and that under no circumstances she should get in a brawl with the kid. We practiced telling him, with a very firm voice, that he was wrong and should please stop it. If he didn't, we agreed that she would simply get up and leave (or finish up her work and leave then), and if she became very upet, she should talk to her teachers. I emailed and talked to a friend about this situation and decided also to talk to her teacher about the situation.
I didn't feel good in the morning but went to pick up Lily from school, and luckily, we were presented with a pristine situation tothe head teacher. She was not aware of the situation, but confirmed that she could see the boy saying those things to Lily, also claiming that his dad had said it. She mentioned that she had never seen the dad at school, and therefore he couldn't have seen Lily ever, but that the little boy would make up things like that. She agreed to have a intervention with both Lily and the kid present, which would have been actually the measure I would have suggested as first step of intervention. On the way back to the car, I told Lily that she and the boy would be called out for a talk at some point, and that she wouldn't have to be scared that she had done anything wrong. I could see that she was so relieved that the issue had been brought up and that something would be done about it.
It is to be seen how the situation works out; I hope that the intervention shows the boy what his words cause and that he's going to stop his behavior towards Lily. Keep your finger crossed!
First of all, I'm very proud of Lily that she didn't blow up at some point. I would have totally understood if she did. I thought about how to handle the situation. At first, of course, I ensured Lily that everything was fine with her pants, and that under no circumstances she should get in a brawl with the kid. We practiced telling him, with a very firm voice, that he was wrong and should please stop it. If he didn't, we agreed that she would simply get up and leave (or finish up her work and leave then), and if she became very upet, she should talk to her teachers. I emailed and talked to a friend about this situation and decided also to talk to her teacher about the situation.
I didn't feel good in the morning but went to pick up Lily from school, and luckily, we were presented with a pristine situation tothe head teacher. She was not aware of the situation, but confirmed that she could see the boy saying those things to Lily, also claiming that his dad had said it. She mentioned that she had never seen the dad at school, and therefore he couldn't have seen Lily ever, but that the little boy would make up things like that. She agreed to have a intervention with both Lily and the kid present, which would have been actually the measure I would have suggested as first step of intervention. On the way back to the car, I told Lily that she and the boy would be called out for a talk at some point, and that she wouldn't have to be scared that she had done anything wrong. I could see that she was so relieved that the issue had been brought up and that something would be done about it.
It is to be seen how the situation works out; I hope that the intervention shows the boy what his words cause and that he's going to stop his behavior towards Lily. Keep your finger crossed!
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Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Dear Bullies...
After last week's Sunday Social, I’ve
thought a lot about the time back in high school. I know that many
people have fondest memories about that time, having fun with their
friends and living the care-free life of teenagers. My high school years
were plain hell.
Sometimes I’m almost surprised that I have actually made it through
those years alive, and this is not an allegory. And all that pain
because of a few popular kids, who couldn’t stick to the simple rule
“live and let live”, I will call them The Bullies.
It all started back in 3rd or 4th grade, when my mom, for many still an “outsider” because she had not been born and raised in this little town, had an argument with a mom from my town’s “high society” (yes, it is as pathetic as it sounds, being the “high society” of a town of about 5,000 people). Her daughter went to school with me, and from then on, she and her clique were against me. I thought that switching over to high school would change things, because a lot of new people would be joining, and I’d make friends and be left alone. But while I hoped that things would change, with a whole bunch of new people in our class, she took her opportunity and made sure that things would change… for the worse. Back then I was probably even more so a shy kid, not really one who approaches people, more the introvert; she, on the other hand, was the polar opposite and before I knew it, she had a huge circle of new friends around her, who hadn’t barely spoken a word to me but thought they’d knew all about me.
I went through all the stages of a bully victim, from trying to shrug it off, trying to talk to them, trying to talk to teachers, showing them that I am stronger, to eventually publicly crumble to pieces.
I still remember this afternoon. I was sitting in class after lunch break, eating a chocolate ice cream bar, and minding my own business. At some point, a piece of the chocolate mantle of my ice cream bar broke off and fell to the ground. I had planned to finish my ice cream and clean it up then; this was not to happen, as just seconds later, the crowd jumped at me. The demanded that I pick the chocolate up at once, which I refused. They started coming at me, pushing me off my chair, trying to force me to lick the chocolate off the floor. I don’t know how I got away, but I did, locking myself into one of the toilet stalls. I broke down, sobbing violently; in this moment, I did not want to go on. At that point, I never wanted to leave the school bathroom to face my tormentors again. Some of the “neutral” people came in to talk to me and see how I was doing. I said that I couldn’t go on like that, that I simply couldn’t any more, and that I wanted to kill myself. Once the words have come out, I heard movement outside the door, and one of the bullies ran back to the crowd for a status report; I heard him yelling “she’s finally going to kill herself”. I felt even more humiliated than before, but also the realization set in that by no means I can let them win. I cannot let them get the better of me and destroy my future. I won’t give them their ultimate victory.
Don't ask me how I managed to get out that day, and return to class, but I did. And I returned the next day, and the one after. I got back into my routine. I showed up for class, did what I needed to do there, and besides that withdrew even more. I spent my days, summer like winter, at home reading, finding solace in the world of books. I appreciated the few friends I had even more, and I started to build myself a life outside school, with friends who went to different schools, and enjoyed the activities I did. Even during the last 2 years of high school, when there were a lot of fundraisers going on to finance the prom, the yearbook, etc., I stayed away. By then, the bullies had basically lost their interest, especially since their leader was no longer in our grade due to mal-performance, but the damage had been done years ago. I took part in the yearbook club because I enjoyed writing. I delivered my pieces and left while the others enjoyed themselves, drinking until late at night. The few times I actually hung out with them (there was honestly still a piece inside me left that WANTED to fit in), I drank myself into oblivion early on, just to not feel or remember.
And then graduation and prom days came and went, and I was free. I moved forward from then on, and hardly ever looked back. I’m still in contact with my best friend, of course, and with a few others who had remained neutral. In 2008 I received an invitation for our 5-year reunion; of course, I didn’t go, living half a world away and just having had a baby. This year was our 10-year reunion, and again I received an invitation. I planned on going at first, with hubby and the girls as support, but then decided against it. My friend and the other people I still talk to all didn’t go, and why put even the least effort forward to impress someone who isn’t worth it. Sure, I’ve made it. I have a wonderful family, great education, and a job that many only dream of. Some have never finished college or a job training and now work in a factory somewhere, or are simply unemployed. Some of the girls’ best bet is hoping for a good marriage. So they have spent the best years of their life feeling superior by making me feel the worst I ever did, but that skills didn’t help them in any way. Today, they are on the loser-end of the equation, while I have risen above them. I still bear my scars; I still suffer from depression and a feeling of worthlessness. But I know that I am lovable and my life is worth living when I am with my family, who loves me for who I am, unconditionally.
To all these bullies: you have tried to break me, to bring me down, to elevate yourselves. You may have won battles along the way, but not the war. I have risen above it, and even though it still hurts thinking about it sometime, not having many fond memories of this time in my life that should have been one of the best times of my life. But to be honest, it doesn't matter now, because the best time of MY life is right now; I am surrounded by so much love that your hate does not affect me any more. I don't wish you anything bad; I know that some of you have gone through horrible pain throughout the years. I don't expect you ever to think back about this awkward girl you tortured so casually. I will remember you for the rest of my life, but I am beyond your grasp now. I wish you the best for your life, but never care to see any of you again.
If you or someone you know are a victim of bullies and you would like to share experiences or need support from a survivor, please feel free to contact me.
It all started back in 3rd or 4th grade, when my mom, for many still an “outsider” because she had not been born and raised in this little town, had an argument with a mom from my town’s “high society” (yes, it is as pathetic as it sounds, being the “high society” of a town of about 5,000 people). Her daughter went to school with me, and from then on, she and her clique were against me. I thought that switching over to high school would change things, because a lot of new people would be joining, and I’d make friends and be left alone. But while I hoped that things would change, with a whole bunch of new people in our class, she took her opportunity and made sure that things would change… for the worse. Back then I was probably even more so a shy kid, not really one who approaches people, more the introvert; she, on the other hand, was the polar opposite and before I knew it, she had a huge circle of new friends around her, who hadn’t barely spoken a word to me but thought they’d knew all about me.
I went through all the stages of a bully victim, from trying to shrug it off, trying to talk to them, trying to talk to teachers, showing them that I am stronger, to eventually publicly crumble to pieces.
I still remember this afternoon. I was sitting in class after lunch break, eating a chocolate ice cream bar, and minding my own business. At some point, a piece of the chocolate mantle of my ice cream bar broke off and fell to the ground. I had planned to finish my ice cream and clean it up then; this was not to happen, as just seconds later, the crowd jumped at me. The demanded that I pick the chocolate up at once, which I refused. They started coming at me, pushing me off my chair, trying to force me to lick the chocolate off the floor. I don’t know how I got away, but I did, locking myself into one of the toilet stalls. I broke down, sobbing violently; in this moment, I did not want to go on. At that point, I never wanted to leave the school bathroom to face my tormentors again. Some of the “neutral” people came in to talk to me and see how I was doing. I said that I couldn’t go on like that, that I simply couldn’t any more, and that I wanted to kill myself. Once the words have come out, I heard movement outside the door, and one of the bullies ran back to the crowd for a status report; I heard him yelling “she’s finally going to kill herself”. I felt even more humiliated than before, but also the realization set in that by no means I can let them win. I cannot let them get the better of me and destroy my future. I won’t give them their ultimate victory.
Don't ask me how I managed to get out that day, and return to class, but I did. And I returned the next day, and the one after. I got back into my routine. I showed up for class, did what I needed to do there, and besides that withdrew even more. I spent my days, summer like winter, at home reading, finding solace in the world of books. I appreciated the few friends I had even more, and I started to build myself a life outside school, with friends who went to different schools, and enjoyed the activities I did. Even during the last 2 years of high school, when there were a lot of fundraisers going on to finance the prom, the yearbook, etc., I stayed away. By then, the bullies had basically lost their interest, especially since their leader was no longer in our grade due to mal-performance, but the damage had been done years ago. I took part in the yearbook club because I enjoyed writing. I delivered my pieces and left while the others enjoyed themselves, drinking until late at night. The few times I actually hung out with them (there was honestly still a piece inside me left that WANTED to fit in), I drank myself into oblivion early on, just to not feel or remember.
And then graduation and prom days came and went, and I was free. I moved forward from then on, and hardly ever looked back. I’m still in contact with my best friend, of course, and with a few others who had remained neutral. In 2008 I received an invitation for our 5-year reunion; of course, I didn’t go, living half a world away and just having had a baby. This year was our 10-year reunion, and again I received an invitation. I planned on going at first, with hubby and the girls as support, but then decided against it. My friend and the other people I still talk to all didn’t go, and why put even the least effort forward to impress someone who isn’t worth it. Sure, I’ve made it. I have a wonderful family, great education, and a job that many only dream of. Some have never finished college or a job training and now work in a factory somewhere, or are simply unemployed. Some of the girls’ best bet is hoping for a good marriage. So they have spent the best years of their life feeling superior by making me feel the worst I ever did, but that skills didn’t help them in any way. Today, they are on the loser-end of the equation, while I have risen above them. I still bear my scars; I still suffer from depression and a feeling of worthlessness. But I know that I am lovable and my life is worth living when I am with my family, who loves me for who I am, unconditionally.
To all these bullies: you have tried to break me, to bring me down, to elevate yourselves. You may have won battles along the way, but not the war. I have risen above it, and even though it still hurts thinking about it sometime, not having many fond memories of this time in my life that should have been one of the best times of my life. But to be honest, it doesn't matter now, because the best time of MY life is right now; I am surrounded by so much love that your hate does not affect me any more. I don't wish you anything bad; I know that some of you have gone through horrible pain throughout the years. I don't expect you ever to think back about this awkward girl you tortured so casually. I will remember you for the rest of my life, but I am beyond your grasp now. I wish you the best for your life, but never care to see any of you again.
If you or someone you know are a victim of bullies and you would like to share experiences or need support from a survivor, please feel free to contact me.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Lily's Pain
Our little girl has been different these past weeks; she's not been her usual bubbly, excited, smiley self. She's been on the edge of tears a lot, moody, threw near-epic tantrums. Richard and I first thought that this was only a phase that would pass soon and tried to work through it with her. Then, she started to withdraw. She would spend afternoons in her room not allowing anyone in. She would sleep at the oddest times and it took us quite some convincing so she would at least leave her room to have dinner with the family. She refused to go to her beloved swim class. She didn't sleep well at night. I started to really get worried about her; I missed my little girl as she spent more and more time in the lonely space she had created for herself.
At this point, I started to talk to her about what might be amiss. I tried to sit down with her to find out what troubled her. I wouldn't accept her "I don't know any more" as an answer when I asked her about her day in kindergarten. So she told me about who she had played with that day. Last week, when she was doing not well at all, I put her on my lap and cuddled her; suddenly, she finally lifted her head, looked me in the eye and told me that older kids in kindergarten were harassing her. This hit me like a sledge hammer. Lily has always been quite a popular kid in kindergarten with many friends. She still has many friends, sometimes too many for us to handle when it comes to play dates, birthday invites, etc. So I am wondering who these kids were. I wonder how they could single Lily out from all her friends. I tried to help Lily understand that she must stand up for herself, to confront the kids who were mean to her. Sometimes, a "why are you doing this to me?" can be more effective than ignoring.
I talked to Richard about it and we went to her kindergarten to talk to the teachers, who claim not to have noticed anything. We will keep our eyes open and try our best to help Lily through this painful time. It hurts me beyond words that our poor little girl has to go through the same crap Richard and I had to go through as kids and therefore do our best to empower her to rise above her tormentors.
What is your opinion on bullying in kindergarten? Are you getting involved? Are you talking to parents, teachers, and/or administrators? What are your experiencing handling bullying at such a young age?
At this point, I started to talk to her about what might be amiss. I tried to sit down with her to find out what troubled her. I wouldn't accept her "I don't know any more" as an answer when I asked her about her day in kindergarten. So she told me about who she had played with that day. Last week, when she was doing not well at all, I put her on my lap and cuddled her; suddenly, she finally lifted her head, looked me in the eye and told me that older kids in kindergarten were harassing her. This hit me like a sledge hammer. Lily has always been quite a popular kid in kindergarten with many friends. She still has many friends, sometimes too many for us to handle when it comes to play dates, birthday invites, etc. So I am wondering who these kids were. I wonder how they could single Lily out from all her friends. I tried to help Lily understand that she must stand up for herself, to confront the kids who were mean to her. Sometimes, a "why are you doing this to me?" can be more effective than ignoring.
I talked to Richard about it and we went to her kindergarten to talk to the teachers, who claim not to have noticed anything. We will keep our eyes open and try our best to help Lily through this painful time. It hurts me beyond words that our poor little girl has to go through the same crap Richard and I had to go through as kids and therefore do our best to empower her to rise above her tormentors.
What is your opinion on bullying in kindergarten? Are you getting involved? Are you talking to parents, teachers, and/or administrators? What are your experiencing handling bullying at such a young age?
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