Week In Review - Ten Things Of Thankful (60)

Obviously, I've missed a whole 10 weeks! Ten weeks without my weekly reflections on the big and small things that have made my life so much better, or made me realize that no matter what, I'm still luckier than most people in this world. Yes, I'm glad to be back!!

Here is the list of Thankfuls for this first full week of August:

1. The weather has neither been crazy hot nor crazy humid, making my life a whole lot easier.

2. Almost daily naps. Yes, I'm really thankful for maternity laws here in Germany, and the fact that hubby is so supportive and the girls very understaning so I can rest whenever I need to.

3. Finding my calm again after being quite antsy about little baby boy's arrival earlier this week. Our OB/GYN  estimated him to come about 5 to 10 days early, based on the progress my body has made so far, but even now, EDD -4 days, there are no real tell-tale signs that he's about to show up. There have been some early signs in the past days, but as of now, he's still happily camping out in there. But at least, we're prepared, all bags are packed, my sister and dad are on call, and all the plans we've made for the next days are on a "may be canceled o short notice"-basis.

4. Hubby cat-sitting for friends of ours. The story he comes home with almost every day are priceless! Can't wait to add a little four-legged member to our family later this year!

5. Early mornings with Violet. I truly enjoy just sitting with my little girl, have breakfast, play some games and cuddle before anyone else gets up.

6. Not having had proper internet for a while. I got tons of projects done, caught up on movies, etc.

7. Having proper internet again. I missed everyone out there and wondered a lot how this or that person was doing. I'm glad to be back!

8. The smell of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. Finally found time to kill all the chocolate bunnies left over and turned them into a new form of deliciousness.

9. Having a good night sleep a couple of times this week. It really makes a difference on my overall well-being  :-)

10. A career option coming up for hubby we never even thought about. It's not quite what we wanted as it would be on a free-lance basis / running his own business, so there aren't any benefits, but on the other hand, he'd be very, very flexible with his hours, which will come in handy managing three kids after I go back to work almost full-time come September 2015.


I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Recovery

There I was, gone for 2 months, and as I come back, looking forward to re-entering the blogging world, it is just in time to learn that Janine is quitting one of the link-ups I join regularly. At this point, I'd love to thank Janine for hosting the Finish The Sentence Friday so far, for introducing me to it and providing something to write about every Friday  :-)

Luckily for me, the link-up still continues, hosted by Kristi and Stephanie, with quite an interesting cue for this week:

The most incredible thing my body has ever done is...

... recovering from whatever I've thrown at it over and over again.

Going back, starting in my early teenage years, I've never been good to my body. For years, I've suffered from severe eating disorders, gaining and losing again 20 or 30 pounds within a matter of a few months, eating meals just to yuck them up again in the bathroom minutes after getting off the table.

Once I was somewhat over all that, still panicking when thinking about fat or sugar, I compensated with sports. I went into martial arts and started to pack on muscles. I've destroyed the skin on my shin bones to prevent pain, at times, my whole body was more black and blue than normal color, but still I kept pushing, until I had this moment in the bathroom in one of the clubs I frequented and saw that bull-necked girl in a neckholder top and decided I had to change.

Yes, at this point, I was firmly lodged into the party scene, drinking heavily with the bikers and dancing the nights away in hip-hop clubs. There were weekends I was neither sober nor got any sleep, and those weekends were the rule, not the exception.

Luckily, at this point I entered my 20s, and my priorities changed. I didn't drink much any more, slept more, and my body returned to normal. I went to college and eventually met the husband. We were married and moved to the U.S., and I found a new drug: work. This was maybe the healthiest addiction I've had so far, but long work weeks paired with compressing 2 years of college into only 15 month and my first pregnancy again brought my body to the verge of just collapsing.

Then, we had Lily, and my life changed. It was a long and difficult birth, and when we finally got to hold our daughter in our arms for the first time, I knew that I had to change. I needed to be healthy, in body and mind, to be the mother our daughter would need. Someone, who is a positive role model, someone, she can watch and model her own life after, and become a healthy and happy person.

At that point, I don't know if my body would recover, from all the damage I have done, from this difficult birth and problematic recovery afterward. But surprisingly, it did. My body has not only recovered but managed to create and sustain two more children, and I feel the healthiest I've ever been.  And this truly amazes me.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Not Coming To Terms

I was writing with a colleague of mine via the work communicator the other day. We've been to college together, so we don't merely have a professional relationship. Somewhere in between "How are you doing?" and "How's coming the house along?", she asked me "Have you come to terms with having a boy yet?"

To be very honest, I have not come to terms with having a boy. Because there was never anything I had to come to terms with.

Yes, if I could have picked, I would have chosen a girl. For once, I simply love having girls and wouldn't have minded a third one (the hubby either, if anyone wondered); we already had most of the stuff a new baby girl would have needed without having to go buy much new stuff at that point and somehow, it's very much easier for us to name girls than boys. And we were both seriously annoyed with so many people assuming that we had a third child because we were desperately hoping for a boy after two "failures" (yes, that's what people have called the girls!!).

But despite this, we were just incredibly happy to be pregnant again; to have an easy pregnancy, and as far as it looks to have a healthy baby. We never struggled with having a boy (even though the naming wasn't easy) but are simply excited to be blessed with such a wonderful family. How could I feel any less?

Wordless Wednesday - Growing Baby

Belly pictures from 14 weeks (bottom left) to 26 weeks (top right; missing: week 22 - 25). Big picture: today

... And Then It Went South

Today was such a good day! At least it started out that way. Violet slept through the night without her nucki, which she has lost properly (nucki and the spare) and came into my bed for some cuddles shortly before I had to get up. I was productive at work and the morning just flew by. A good day all together, until I was sitting with my coworker, going through some old emails to figure an older case out, when he suddenly asked me if I was pregnant. EXCUSE ME?!?

He explained that a coworker, who he would not named, had asked him about it. When he said that I wasn't, to the best of his knowledge, the anonymous colleague mentioned that I must have just eaten too muc recently.

BANG! I have to admit, I almost started crying. I managed to compose myself, but it seriously ruined my day. I was at a point where I was feeling comfortably about myself, my body. And this delicate construct just crushed within this moment. I know, it's pathetic that I feel that way, that the careless spoken words of this moron can have such an impact on me, but they did. I felt insecure, I almost went out to buy a complete new outfit that very moment., I barely dared to think about food for the rest of the day. And come 4:30 pm, I almost ran out in my uncomfortable shoes to head home.

How comforting it was to just sink in hubby's arms. We talked about it, and he told me that he would have totally supported me slapping  the impertinence out of this guy (even though I bet the employee's council would not have supported that course of action, and I kind of need that job right now). I am glad that hubby is so wonderful; just being in his presence makes me calmer, more confident, feel loved for who I am, not who I could be.

I can't wait to curl up next to him tonight, and hope for a better tomorrow!

How I Love Them!

For today's "Blog Every Day in May" challenge I'd like to share a favorite picture of myself with you!

This picture was taken in early December, at 7 months pregnant with our Lily. It was such an exciting but also stressful time. I was working a full-time job, studied for my second Bachelor's Degree, and grew a little baby inside me. At this point, we did not know that only a couple months later we would have a daughter.

I had been struggling with my body for such a long time, battling various eating disorder since being a teenager. My husband was worried about me getting pregnant and having to deal with the weight gain, how I would take the changes in my body. Shall I tell you something? I loved it! I loved seeing the changes and how pregnancy and birth has shaped my body. I'm not all firm anymore, the six-pack is gone, but I enjoy my new curves, knowing how my body was remolded carrying those beautiful little girls in it.

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Loving My Children

Channel-surfing for tonight's entertainment, I came across My Sister's Keeper. The first few minutes of the movie had me sold. For everyone who doesn't know the movie: an 11-year old girl, Anna, is suing her parents to gain medical emancipation. As the story goes on, backflashed from the point of view of different family members draw a picture of hope, desperation, and cruelty. The family's older daughter, Kate,  is diagnosed with leukemia as a child and neither her parents nor her brother qualify as bone marrow donors; they decide to have another child, designed to be a genetic match to her sister. Anna is shipped from procedure to procedure, until one day, when her mother wants to force her to donate her kidney, she decides to put a stop to it.

Source: IMDb

Being a mother I can understand Sara, the mother in the movie, who does everything to save her beloved child's life. What I cannot fathom is how she can put her other daughter through so much pain and suffering. Did she ever love her designer baby, or did she distance herself from Anna from the beginning to be able to go through with the plan. But how can one carry a child for nine months and not love them like crazy and would give the world for them to be healthy and happy?

Violet was not planned, and I had a very hard time accepting the pregnancy at first, but when I first saw her wiggling around on an ultrasound picture, I fell in love so hard, I have no words for it. From this moment on, I knew that she was meant to be with us. But despite that, I was still finding myself sitting at Lily's bed at night, crying and wondering how I could ever love another child the way I loved our girl. Then, I held our Violet in my arms for the first time. She was still a little squeezed up from her little journey, but there she was, this tiny little baby, and it felt as if I had always had the two of them. I love them both so much; they have taught me that I can love them both equally but in very different way, since they are both so different in every respect.

So I know a little about having a much anticipated child, and one that was not planned at first. I could never imagine not loving them both. It was heartbreaking how Sara confronted Anna about being selfish for not giving one of her kidneys to Kate. She kept arguing that Anna never minded helping Kate and having the procedures done; a flashback showed Brian, the dad, carrying Anna as a pre-schooler to the operation table, kicking and screaming and fighting. I once had to hold Lily down to have a medical procedure done. She was very, very sick and seriously dehydrated, but still she fought as hard as she could when they tried over and over again to get an IV-needle in her little, dried-out body. I was able to do it because I knew that she needed it to save her life, and I knew that I needed to be the one by her side. I could have never done it otherwise.

I hope that I will never have to be in the situation having to say good-bye to one of my daughters, having to go a much harder path with them, giving them hope when I am losing it myself. But I know that I could never hurt one of my children to save the other.

When It's All In The Genes

The other day, I was sitting in the waiting room at my doctor’s office for my annual check-up and cancer prevention exams. As I leaved through the magazines that were lying around, an article on the new boom for fertility centers in Germany caught my eye. Luckily, the Mr. and I didn’t have problems in this regard, but unfortunately we know a few people who did. Following the informational article, there were a few stories of women or families struggling with infertility and the option of reproductive medicine they chose, from freezing eggs for later use via IUI and IVF to plain old adoption.

One article written by a woman in her late thirties caught my attention. She is now the mother of a little boy that she and her husband had adopted as a baby. Before they decided on the adoption, they had gone through several years of highly stressful and expensive fertility treatments, including three IVF cycles. The first of these cycles had resulted in a pregnancy; however, the baby died 4 months into the pregnancy due to severe genetic disorders and was born still.

As a little bit of background information: any and all genetic testing on embryos prior to implantation is strictly forbidden in Germany. This had been decided by an ethics commission formed by the government during the regulatory process for reproductive questions. Many reproductive options such as egg donations and surrogates are illegal altogether here.

While I definitely understand the idea behind the law, which wants to prevent parents to approach the doctors with a list of preferences in their child-to-be (i.e. catalog child), I strongly believe that the law has gone too far. I am against genetic testing on embryos for gender, eye and hair color, height, etc.; however, it seems cruel to me to implant an embryo who is destined to never be born alive into a woman, who, at that point, is probably way past 30 and has gone through years and years of hoping, waiting, and disappointments, along with often painful exams and diagnoses.

But where to draw the line? Assuming the government permits testing for genetic disorders, would that mean that embryos carrying the genes for cleft lip, club foot, an eleventh finger, asthma, or dwarfism will be sorted out? And what would happen if a couple just approached the “right” doctor with a VERY generous donation for his private fertility clinic? Would they have their tall, blond, blue-eyed boy they ever hoped for? And would normal parents without any real fertility issues turn towards IVF just to be sure to have a genetically healthy child?

I certainly am of the opinion that a strict set of rule should be in place; however, why implanting a baby bound to die before being born, a baby that would probably have never implanted naturally. Why not developing a legal framework that is humane to everyone involved, including genetic testing for lethal disorders that will spare much pain and suffering to the parents as well as the unborn child.

What is your opinion on the issue of genetic testing in embryos? Are you for or against it, or somewhere in between? Would you consider IVF as an option to ensure a healthy child even though you can have babies naturally?

Tasty Tuesday Revived

On today's menu: Lactation Cookies

This is actually a weird one, because I've never made them before. When I thought about posting this and what I could present, I was just reading through a bunch of Facebook posts, among others by Sara and Shannon from our Atheist/Agnostic Parent Group back in Washington. I remembered meeting for a group brunch at Daniela's house and finding out we were all due within only a month of each other. We haven't been to any meetings for quite a while at that point, so no-one knew that we were expecting as well. We spend quite some time sitting together and talking about the pregnancies and how we planned our deliveries. We all had less-than-perfect birth experiences with our first babies; we all were induced in the hospital and had epidurals. Now, we all were under the care of a midwife and planned all-natural births at a birth center (guess what, we all succeeded!). A few months later, with two babies already born (even though Violet was baby no. 2 on the list she was born first, followed by little Miss Vera only 5 days later; Malcolm was born a little more than a month later), we all met again for a brunch, this time at Rachelle and Chris's home. Even though we didn't spend much time together I can't say enough how much this camaraderie during those months meant to me. It was great just to sit together and talk about our kids and the little ones soon to be born. Shortly after Vera was born, Sara posted this recipe for Shannon and me, and a few others.

Here it is:

Ingredients

1 c butter
1 c sugar
1 c brown sugar
4 T water
2 T flaxseed meal (no substitutions)
2 large eggs
1 t vanilla
2 c flour
2 T Brewer's (nutritional) yeast (no substitutions)
1 t baking soda
1 t salt
3 c thick cut oats
1 c chocolate chips

Preparation

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Mix 2 T. flaxseed meal and 4 T. water, set aside 3-5 minutes.
Cream butter and sugars.
Add eggs.
Stir flaxseed mix into butter mix and add vanilla.
Beat until well blended.
Sift (or not): dry ingredients, except oats and chocolate chips.
Add butter mix to dry ingredients. (or vice versa)
Stir in the oats and then the chocolate chips.
Drop on parchment paper on baking sheet (or just spray Pam on the baking sheet)
Bake 8 - 12 minutes.

Believe me, I baked plenty during the 2 months at home after Violet was born (among others also regular chocolate chip oatmeal cookies), but never managed to try the above recipe due to a lack of flaxseed meal and brewer's yeast. But it's still time, and once the heatwave is over here, everything's possible. May we all have the long and successful nursing-relationship with our little ones!

Life, Unexpectedly

Life, Unexpectedly.. This phrase has been flying around in my head for a while, and since I'd planned on once again trying my luck in the blogosphere, why not get it out of my head and into the world.

Some people may know that my last blog, The Powells Around The World, which was mostly an attempt to provide a convenient forum for family and friends to stay up-to-date with us, died a sudden death around the time Richard got out of the military in summer of 2008. In between caring for our active little girl, organizing a move halfway through the country, getting settled in Washington, and our other day-to-day activities, the idea of blogging didn't enter my mind very often. Why is the urge back now? I honestly don't know, but here I am once again, putting my thoughts out there...

Once again we find ourselves at a point where we realize, that life is just too unpredictable to plan. Each time I thought we had it all planned out, things happened to make us realize that life cannot be planned, at least not to the extent my little control-obsessed mind would like to plan. Right now, we are 35 weeks pregnant with our second miracle girl, with yet another move ahead of us, this time without the Army-sponsored moving company to deal with the mess for us. But even though I am absolutely terrified, I have to admit that I am actually looking forward to all these changes; after many disappointments in the past, we feel that it is time for us to move on, and I'm actually excited!! Indeed, being terrified and excited at once is an interesting mix of emotions, but I for once feel that I am definitely up to handling everything life is going to throw at me!

Unexpected life, just bring it on!!