Today one month ago I was laying in bed with our newborn daughter in my arms, marveling at how perfect she was, looking at her big, blue eyes that already took in all the new things around her. Now, one month later, I can believe that already 30 days have passed since that night; on the other hand, I cannot imagine our family ever being without Violet. Even without knowing she enriched all of our lives in so many ways. In those past weeks I could watch Lily growing from an only-child to a big sister, who loves to take on responsibilities and takes care of her little sister. All the doubts we've ever had about how she'd react to the new baby, if there would be any jealousy or other problems have vanished within a couple of days, as we watched Lily being beyond excited about her little sister. She has grown up so much within the last month, way past her 2 years. She loves to help with every diaper change and bath, holds Violet's hands, plays with her little feet, touches her hair and face, and wants to hold her in her arms. She even loves to share her toys with Violet, since she doesn't have many by herself yet. Seeing her like that makes me fall in love even more with my big girl, if that is even possible.
Violet herself has of course changed as well. She has given us the opportunity to get to know her very own personality, which couldn't be more different from Lily's. Trial and error have taught us her likes and dislikes (swaddling and her pacy are her favorites); we know now that she is a very social person, who hates being left alone, even if it's only for a minute. She loves being held and already takes part in conversations. She enjoys observing everything around her and is generally a lot more quiet than Lily ever was. In contrast, she is not in a hurry to move around as Lily was, but is content sitting at a convenient vantage point and look around. We see her being a little book worm one day, who has to be dragged out of the library, while Lily will probably be a lot more outdoorsy and enjoy sports (even though we already know that she also loves to read!).
This past months has also given us the opportunity to grow as parents, a couple, and as individuals. Being a SAHM for now until our move to Germany (and maybe beyond for a little while), I had to learn a whole new set of skills, and it was definitely a situation I had to get used to. Now, I love being able to cuddle with my girls in bed in the morning, prepare breakfast for Lily, cuddle up on the couch with her while nursing Violet, getting dressed and ready for the world outside together, and just enjoying simple things like a trip to the playground or meeting friends for play group. Those things I've missed a lot during the last 2 years, and I definitely plan on filling up on them now before I potentially join the work force again in another month or two. Richard has become a lot closer to Lily within the last weeks; our big girl was very accepting in the fact that I have to care more for Violet and just turned to Richard for affection. I watched the two of them on the couch today, watching "Ponyo". Lily cuddled up next to Richard with her bunny and fell asleep after a few minutes. I just try to ingrain those images in my brain as deeply as possible, because I already know that the girls will grow up way to fast, and before we know it, we'll have to deal with a bunch of teenagers, for whom there is nothing more embarrassing than hugging their parents (ok, if they are anything like me, they will still hug us, but you know what I mean). I take many, many pictures to always remember this time, and all the stages still to come, with all their changes and development for all of us.
This is what I read on a bumper sticker a little while ago. At first I only shook my head about it, but then it got me thinking, just the way the most random things make me think sometimes. A list started forming in my head, how being a mom has changed me, and helped me acquire abilities I didn't think I would ever have. Here are a few points on my list:
1. Sleep: I was always a person with an above-average need for sleep. Without my 8-9 hours a night I was a zombie; I remember one instance when I didn't get to bed before 2am because I worked late at the pub, and then had to get up and be in class by 9am. I think I actually fell asleep in computer class that day. Now, I stay up late, sometimes until around midnight, just to enjoy some quiet time after the girls went to bed; I check and answer emails, facebook around for a while, write my blogs, or simply watch a movie or show. I enjoy this bit of couple or me time at night, and am still able to get up with Lily at 6:30, after having been up twice during the night to tend to Violet. I have to say, I'm almost proud of myself :-)
2. Food: Ok, this might be a no-brainer, but before being a mom, I couldn't say of myself that I provided the best and most nutritious food for anyone; in fact, I did not produce ANY food whatsoever.
3. Organization skills: In between lack of sleep, mommy-brain, caffeine jitters, and meeting the needs (and demands) of a 2-year old while balancing a newborn, it is a sheer wonder, that I am able to remember anything. Thus, making lists (and remembering where they are) and keeping my calendar organized is quite a feat sometimes. Also getting said children to their various appointments and activities on time is a challenge, which I mostly master, to my own surprise. This type of organization skills are still new to me; until Violet's birth, I was mostly responsible for making sure that the family gets their necessary check-ups, keeping an eye on the number of diapers still in the box (and providing refills, if necessary), and provide the entertainment at night and during the weekends, which were at times filled with more activities than necessary, just to make up for the time I missed with her while being at work during the week (indeed, SAHM and working moms need a much different set of organization skills, even though I cannot say that either is superior to the other).
4. REAL superpowers (?): Have you ever read/heard reports in the news(paper) about a mother who lifts up a car to free her trapped child? Well, they come up every once in a while, but let's be honest, something like that is EXTREMELY rare, and we all hope we never have to figure out if this kind of super-strength really exist in us. However, we sometimes manage to muster some sort of super-strength, whether it is physical or psychological. I remember Lily being sick and in the hospital for dehydration when she was about 13 months old. I felt so help- and powerless, condemned to stand by and watch. For a few days she would not eat or drink, just nurse a lot, but at that point I didn't produce enough milk any more to keep her hydrated. There we were, in the pediatric ward, trying to get an IV into my completely parched little girl. I remember her lying there on the bed, wrapped tightly in that blanket to keep her from moving while the nurse tried over and over again to get the needle in her small, dry veins. Even though she was completely lethargic for most of the time, our little girl managed to muster the strength to struggle and fight against the swaddles and the nurse, who kept hurting her. And even though it ripped my heart out, I knew I had to be there for her and hold her. This task ripped my heart even more to shreds, but I simply couldn't let anyone else do it, I just needed to be there, look into her eyes, and comfort her in between the attempts, cradle her little head and kiss her eyelids while she drifted off again (writing this still makes me tearing up). At some point the nurse asked me if I wanted to take a break to collect myself. I wondered why she asked me that because I was very calm and determined in my task; at that point I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize myself: I was white as the wall with finger-wide bright purple rings under my eyes. I know I must have been completely drained and exhausted, both physically and mentally, but just thinking about my little girl kept me going. This is the real superpower of a mother, being there for their children unconditionally, no matter what. I would never want to go through such a day again, but would gladly do it over and over again for my daughters, to show them in any situation that I love them beyond anything words could possibly express.
But like every true superhero, I couldn't do it without my tireless "sidekick", aka husband. Before Violet's arrival, it was mostly him who was in charge for getting Lily to her appointments and check-ups (that were mostly arranged by me), keep her entertained with occasional Daddy-Daughter dates or trips to the playground, while putting up with my moods at times (especially during my pregnancy with Violet, even though I was not nearly as bad as some women). Being at home since Violet's birth, we mostly share all those activities, even though I try to give him a time-out every once in a while and enjoy time with my girls.
After all that, I suggest a small but important change to said bumper sticker: it would be more accurate to say "We are parents, ..." than "I'm a Mom, ...", because I admit, I would be lost at times without Richard. Yes, I could go and run home to my parents for help, but let's face it, we're grown-up women who need to get their act together by themselves rather than running to their parents for help with every little issue (even though it is never a shame to ask for help or support every once in a while, everyone needs a break sometimes!). Raising kids is definitely teamwork, and I am glad that I have such a wonderful partner, who complements me in every regard and who supports me every step of the way.
I have been raised by my mom to do my best to fit in, to strive to please others around me to a degree that is actually unhealthy. "You have nothing and you are nothing" was a phrase I frequently heard growing up, which caused a number of issues in my life that need not be discussed at this point. It also caused me being sorry for who I am, and thus trying everything possible to hide who I am, to fit in, and to try everything to make everyone around me happy without regard to my own needs.
Despite all issues, it has also lead to me becoming a very ambitious individual, with a sense of perfectionism that borders on OCD (just ask Richard, he can tell you stories). At age 26 I am happily married and mother to two beautiful girls; I have 2 college degrees, and seriously think about going back to school to earn a graduate degree or beyond in a couple of years; I have worked multiple jobs for most of the time since I was 16. However, despite all this, it seems that I am simply not able to please some people in my surroundings. Accepting this has been a long and painful journey, which is far from completed at this point. But one thing I have definitely learned, mostly through the unconditional love and support from my husband and daughters: I don't have to please everyone. In fact, I don't have to please anyone but myself, and by simply not being too hard on myself and just enjoy life and the people in it will make me happier and therefore have a positive impact not only on myself but also my loved ones. I came to realize that my husband and daughters will always love me, even if I am not always perfect, and I love them even more for making me understand that. The more it infuriates me that those people I have tried so hard to please for way too long have nothing better to do than turn around and hurt those I love. Having grown up in a situation of favoritism, I hated it, even though I was the favored one. seeing my sister being hurt over and over again even though she tried everything to please hurt me as well. Now, being on the other end of the spectrum, I finally have the sense to put my foot down. This, besides more primary reasons such as education and health care, was among the points that helped us decide to move our family to Germany, where the girls can grow up far away from this damaging influence. And it will also give me the opportunity to finally exhale and maybe even get over it eventually.
I am fairly positive, that the people to whom this is directed will not read this blog, but that's ok. Writing about it helps and is yet another step towards overcoming these issues and healing. I am finally at a point, where I can positively say that I am not sorry any more for who I am, thanks to the infinite support from my wonderful husband. I am who I am; those who don't like that are not worth my time or consideration. This is the simple conclusion, but even though I know it in my head, my heart still needs some working on that.
Today, I spent most of my afternoon playing with Violet while Richard was out to the movies with a friend and Lily played (and napped) in her room. Taking into consideration that Violet is not even four weeks old, our play options are somewhat limited. We were lying on the floor, looking at each other, while I told her stories and sang to her. At times she would hold my hand, kick her little feet and roll around (yes, little Violet is already rolling from side to side!). Every once in a while she would fall asleep for a few minutes before waking up again and looking around with an amazed expression as if she'd seen her surroundings for the first time. I remembered her at the day of her birth, when she was just a few minutes old but already alert as could be and taking everything in, soaking her environment in like a little sponge. It made me also remember Lily as a baby, only a day or two old while we were still in the hospital. Those first day Lily didn't sleep well, and I spent most of the nights trying to get her to sleep while she was crying up a storm. In one of these nights at the hospital she suddenly calmed down, opened her eyes and looked around with an amazement we adults seem not capable of experiencing any more. This moment with Lily is engraved in my memory, just as those moments with Violet will be. I keep being utterly amazed by their big, blue eyes, that don't perform very well yet in their intended function (it is assumed that babies can only see about 12 - 15 inches far, their vision is blurry and they are nearly color-blind in those first weeks of life) but take in every little impression with such a natural innocence. I want to spend hours looking back into her eyes, touch her downy, soft hair, stroke her cheeks, hold her little hands and tell her how beautiful she is. At those moments, everything else around us just disappears, time stands still or rushes by, it doesn't matter. Right now I live for those moments with Violet, knowing that they will pass way too quickly; and while I am mourning that soon she will outgrow this newborn phase, I am also looking forward to all the adventures to come with our little girl discovering the world and starts being able to play with her big sister, who is eagerly awaiting this stage. But right now, I take every opportunity to hold my little girl, or just lie next to her and gaze into her eyes, watching her experiencing the world one little bit at a time.
My friend Ebony is currently expecting her second baby. In order to make her son, Toure, feel more included in her pregnancy, I got her "The Sibling Book" (a baby book for siblings) for her and Toure to fill out together over the next 17 months or so. Out of interest I flipped through it and stopped at a page that compared the older sibling to the younger one. This made start thinking about my two girls, and how much they already differ from each other in terms of personality, temperament, likes, and dislikes. It is amazing, how such a small person, who should be utterly occupied by eating, sleeping, pooping, and trying to adjust to the world outside in general, can already display such detailed character and even communicate that to us parents.
The most striking differences between the girls in the first months: Lily was 100% a Daddy's girl. She wanted to be with him as often as possible and was only looking for me when she wanted food (after realizing that Daddy wouldn't give her any, no matter what). Violet, in contrast, is a lot more comfortable with me, even though she also enjoys her Daddy mattress. Lily was very active from the very beginning (her pediatrician was surprised that her motor skills at 2 months equaled those of a 4-months old baby), while Violet takes it easier (who would have thought after how she beat me up during pregnancy). Violet is a very social person, who hates being by herself and loves being held, while Lily didn't mind at all spending time by herself in the swing (as long as it was on her terms; if I needed to attend a lecture, she most definitely had to be there too!). Violet does not sleep well unless being swaddled, and also likes the comfort her pacy provides. Lily in contrast would not even stay bundled up in the hospital and wiggle out of her blankets only a few minutes after the nurses had wrapped her up to a perfect baby burrito; she also didn't care for a pacifier except for a few weeks when she was several months old and teething. Lily was also a very outgoing and outspoken baby (as "outspoken" as babies can be), whereas Violet seems to be a lot more quiet and relaxed, rather spending her time on my or Richard's arm looking around rather than on her play blanket trying to crawl and getting frustrated with herself.
We already notice that, even though they are sisters, Lily and Violet have very different personalities. It will be an interesting challenge for Richard and me adjusting our parenting style to the girls' individual personality. We can't wait to see how they will develop and are looking forward to every new aspect of their personality we discover. Who would have thought that Lily, who doesn't even look at dolls for the most part, would be such a dedicated big sister? Well, having spent time with her before and during my pregnancy I realized how much she wanted a little sibling and how excited she was once she found out that she would indeed get "her very own baby". Seeing my girls together is heartwarming each time, and even though they are very different personalities, we will support them in any way possible to become the best people they can be in their own way.
As most people already know, the Powell family is on the move again. This seems to be a pattern: once we have a kid, we pack up and move. When Lily was about 5 months old we quit our jobs, had the Army pack up our apartment, and moved halfway across the country from Kansas to Washington. Now, we are even going to top this by packing ourselves up and moving halfway across the globe with our 2-year old and a 2-month old baby (this will hopefully be the last of those moves, I'm not going to do it again!).
In preparation for said move, we drastically have to reduce our belongings. Most of our furniture has already been claimed by friends (we'd rather see our furniture go to people we know will cherish it rather than sell it to just anyone), Richard has someone interested in his car, most of his books are sold (I know the sacrifice you made, my heart, and I love you even more for it!), a few boxes full already on their way to Germany. Now, it was my turn to reduce my personal belongings. When we cleaned out Lily's closet, that has served as storage space for the last two years, I found several shoe boxes full of old letters, postcards, and other odds and ends. I decided that I would fit everything that's really important in these boxes into my "personal box", a small cardboard box with just random stuff and memorabilia that I keep in my nightstand.
This task sent me down memory lane last night. I found gems like a birthday card I received for my 6th birthday (that was 20 years ago!!!), old letters from my best friends, a ton of postcards I've received over the years from all over the world, the first Valentine's card Richard gave to me, etc. I sorted through cards we have received for our wedding, Lily's birth, the holidays, and so on. Making the decision on what goes and what stays was extremely difficult, to a degree that it made me feel like a hoarder. But in the end, I had to make my cuts, mostly based on how close I still am with the sender. I kept all correspondence with my best friend, but got rid of said card for my 6th birthday. I thought at some point that it would be neat to be able to show it to my daughters at some point, but then wondered whether they would even care to see a card their mom received from a distant relative who died long before they were born. But I kept all the cards we received for their birth and the birthdays, just to be able to show them one day how much they meant to people they might not even remember any more. Many people we have come to be close to here will stop staying in touch, some have already started, while others have become virtually family, so that they will always be part of our lives, no matter how far we live apart. I think this will be a good lesson for our girls to learn some day. Today, it was time for a second round of cuts, getting rid of envelopes that take up space, and revising some decisions from yesterday. I can proudly say, that everything fits in the little box now (does that mean I'm a recovering hoarder?), and the trash containers downstairs are a little fuller than they were before (just to prevent me getting up at 3 a.m. and again revising some decisions, I've taken a huge box of trash out at 10:30 p.m.; wonder what the neighbors thought...).
Looking at the little box next to me on the couch makes me a little sad right now, but I also feel very much relieved, as I always do after much-needed decluttering, as if I can see clearer, and I feel a little bit lighter too.. The coming days and weeks still hold plenty of sorting and decision-making in store for all of us, with some decisions being easy, others extremely difficult. But in the end it is all worth it, since it leads us to our new life in Germany, with endless opportunities for all of us.
Our queen-sized bed we bought as newlyweds is getting crowded these days, with not only Violet occupying her due space after her 4-5 a.m. feeding, but also Lily claiming her place around 5 a.m. Lying there, half awake, with our two little girls in between Richard and me, my mind started wandering.
I started thinking about how our lives have changed over the last 4 years since we've bought this bed. I remember the day we went out to buy our first bedroom set, after having just signed the lease for our first apartment and bought our first car. We had been married for about 4 months and wanted a queen-sized bed so we could sleep closer to each other. About 18 months later, Lily joined our family. We trained her to sleep in her own bed from the beginning; I simply couldn't sleep with her in the bed, too scared to roll over her or suffocate her in the pillows; but we established the rule that she could be in our bed after sunrise. I remember those early days as a family of three, when we would sleep in until 10 a.m. with Lily sleeping in between us after her early morning feeding, and we thought life couldn't be more perfect. A move half-way across the country and another 2 years later, we were a family of four. A few months back, Lily had started to crawl in bed with us in the early morning to cuddle and sleep another hour or so. Now, we share the very same bed with our two girls, and can't wait to buy a bed that will actually accommodate our growing family so that Richard and I have more than 3 inches on the far sides of the bed to balance on while the girls occupy the middle.
Thinking about the "history" of our bed while watching the girls sleep peacefully like little angels, I realized, that this bed held everything that is important to me in this world. Everything outside this bed at that moment didn't matter. As long as our family is together, nothing can get to us. In the last 6 or so months we had to make some difficult decisions and faced a lot of criticism and aversion because of them. But all this has only made us stronger. We are sure that our decisions are the right ones for our family, and no-one could have made those decisions for us. Over that time we have learned who our real family and friends are, and who only accepts us on conditions. Some of these revelations have been painful, but only confirmed us that we chose the right path. We are looking forward to the future and all the changes we have ahead of us.
