Monday, March 15, 2010
Our little girl developed the habit of crawling in our bed every morning to cuddle and sleep another hour or so (if we're lucky); I was looking forward to that ever since she was born. This morning, as she was laying next to me sleeping, I couldn't help wondering what a little miracle angel I had right there next to me. From the minute Richard told me about the positive test (yes, I was way too nervous to check for the result myself), I loved this little girl more than I ever thought possible. Despite all challenges (and some desperate moments), she has been pure delight every day. I can't count how often I just stopped in whatever I was just doing to watch her for a moment and marvel how such a beautiful, perfect angel was ever possible.
Now, as we are getting ready to welcome yet another little angel into this world, I am once again full of emotions, that are so similar and yet so different from my feelings I have for Lily. I have never believed it to be possible to love someone even close to how I love our little girl; then I realized, that I will never ever love someone the way I love her. My love for our little girl about to join our family is different, but by no means less than my love for Lily. She will be her very own little person, in some ways maybe similar to Lily, in others completely different.
In those last few months Richard and I have talked a lot about how to raise siblings. Since we both have siblings ourselves, we have a pretty good picture of what we would like to do like our parents, and probably an even better picture of what we will do different for our girls. Even though they are both girls, we will love them for who they are as individuals; we would sure be happy if they were to become friends, but are also aware that some siblings are just much too different to be friends and not force them into it. More than anything else, we will treat them equally when it comes to rules and discipline, but also support their individuality. Watching Lily change from that tiny, helpless infant to become the wonderful, little girl she is today was just an amazing journey, and we can't wait to continue watching our children grow and develop their very own personalities. I think I am able to understand my mom a lot better now that I am a mother myself, and I am genuinely thankful for the exchange we are having these days. I was sure that motherhood would have an impact on me, but never expected it to influence my very essence as it did. It showed me a much different appreciation for the simple things in life, and also changed my outlook.
Sometimes I say motherhood has turned the tough girl I used to be into a sissy, but then I remember times I fought through obstacles I have never believed possible, supporting my family in a way I never expected. I still remember being there for Lily and holding her during the nurse's attempts to insert an IV needle into her little, dehydrated body. The nurse asked me if I wanted a break and leave the room for a while; I protested and said I would never leave Lily in a moment like that. Looking in the mirror a moment later I understood the nurse's question: I had huge, purplish shadows under my eyes and were white as a sheet. However, I didn't feel the exhaustion or strain my body experienced, only the need to be there for my girl, to ease her pain and show her that, no matter what, she will always be able to rely on me. Later during this episode I realized, how close we have come to losing our child. In a situation without access to health care, our little girl wouldn't have stood a chance, and there wouldn't have been anything we could have done but watch. In moments like this my heart goes out to the thousands of mothers in this world who have to go through this, and it saddens me more than words can say. Most of these nights I go into Lily's room to check on her before I go to bed and I am so incredible thankful for being blessed with this little angel, and our other little angel who is going to join us soon.
We cannot wait to continue this incredible journey as a family of four, and know that, no matter what happens, we will always be happy as long as we are together; we will grow, change, and emerge from everything as stronger and wiser people, and I am looking forward to this journey as wife to the most incredible man, and mother to the two little miracles our love has created.