Monday, November 17, 2014

Grieving With Children - As Atheists

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Today we witnessed my dear grandfather to be laid to rest. It was a difficult decision, but we took all the kids with us, Calvin mostly for the reason that he cannot be by his own again, the girls because we wanted to give them the chance to say good-bye and face their grief that way.

I told Violet the news on Friday morning after breakfast. Violet was home from kindergarten because she was feeling sick. Her reaction was a startle. Then not much more. She asked some questions later, but seemed weirdly detached, even though this is probably normal for a 4-year old.

Lily was told by Richard after she came home from school; I was sleeping with Calvin to get my feet under me again after a sleepless night. She started crying, but Richard managed to calm her down, talking with her about Opa's long, rich life.

This was luckily the first death in the family, which the girls consciously experienced, and it came with a lot of questions. What happens afterward, why do people die, etc.

As children, growing up in a somewhat Christian family, we were told that the dead will rise into heaven and live on there. I admit that it was a comforting thought that death does not really exist. Now, as Atheists, we do not believe in an afterlife. Everything ends with death. It sounds final, but makes life itself so much more important to us, as there are no second chances or a better life afterward.

So what to tell little children to console them in their grief without introducing ideas that we do not believe ourselves?

Why do people have to die?  We get all older, and when our bodies are too old to support us in our daily activies, we eventually fall asleep and die. Sometimes, younger people die because a disease destroys their bodies or it is hurt so bad in an accident that it cannot live any more, so this person dies as well.

What happens when someone dies?  They fall in a very deep sleep and never wake up. The body is then buried (or cremated and then interred) and continues to sleep there.

What happens to the bodies then?  (Life) energy cannot die, so in a way, one lives on. Whether it is as fire during cremation creating heat that spreads out to warm our hearts or whether it is our life force to feed grass and flowers, everyone lives on in one or the other form of energy.

The girls loved the idea of grandpa turning into a flower and it did help them over their initial grief. Both of them cried at the funeral; Lily kissed her little rose before she threw it on the coffin in the grave, wispering "good night" to her grandpa. 

I am so proud of them dealing with the loss so well. I expect them to have throw-backs in the weeks and months to come; I will make a photo-book of pictures of Opa, which they can look at, and which will be a prompt of all the fond memories he have of this wonderful man!

8 comments:

  1. Even though I was raised Catholic and do believe in life after death as my faith has taught me, I do love the reasoning that you have shared here and made me feel a bit more at peace hearing this, as well. Again so very sorry for your loss and thinking about you and your family still.

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    1. Thank you so much, Janine! During the get-together afterward, we caught Lily and her cousin starting to argue about whether great-grandpa is in heaven now or not. As her cousin entered the "But my mommy said so, right, mommy????" we decided it was time to change the topic. It was important to us to offer the children some consolation beyond belief, and they were content with the explanation we offered.

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  2. I love this post and I always enjoy reading your perspectives.

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    1. Thank you so much, Jen! I am happy that the explanation we offered was indeed a consolation for the girls. I was about to lose my composure when Lily said her good-bye though.

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  3. I'm so sorry to read about your loss, Stephanie. I think you did a fantastic job of explaining death to your little girls in a way that would not frighten them. It's great that both you and your husband share the same beliefs. I know it can be very difficult when a loved one dies and people close to each other have different perspectives on what does/doesn't happen afterwards. I think the idea of making a photo book is lovely and I'm sure it will help in the healing process. xx

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    1. Thank you so much, Lizzy! I have a beautiful picture of my grandpa with Violet when she was about 5 months old. Generally, he always refused holding babies that small, because he was scared he's hurt them (he's a blacksmith). One day, we were all gathered at my parent's house to attend the local fall fair, and he held his arms in a way that formed a perfect place for a little 5-month old. Without asking, I dropped Violet in his arms and snapped a picture. It's stories like that that will be unforgotten!

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  4. What a beautiful way to explain it. As a Christian I've always found the whole "They're in heaven now" so cliche and not comforting. Understanding that their life force adds to a greater world, well... takes my breath away.

    Your daughter throwing the rose in and saying good night just hit me in the heart.

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting, Rebecca! Especially for kids, the "waiting in heaven" may be comforting (it sure was for our niece, who almost started an argument with Lily about the issue), but at some point the explanation may not be sufficient any more and a void be created. The Principle of Conservation of Energy is accepted physical science in which I firmly believe.

      Believe me, I was standing next to her when she threw in the rose and wispered her good-night, and I almost broke down. She's such a wonderful girl!

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