This question was thrown out by my friend Miranda the other day on Facebook. My nice and short answer was the following: "Having a family, the girls' smiles, having not to worry about money, enjoying my job, health..."
In fact, I think it is a lot deeper than that. Thinking about this question during the last few days, I believe that, at least for me, there are two levels of happiness: the "would-be" and the "is". The "would-be" is when I'm dreaming about things and situation I guess would make me happy. I sometimes dream of having enough money to own a nice, 5-bedroom house without a mortgage, never have to work again unless I feel like it, spend all the time in the world with my family, travel the world with them, and never have to worry about it.
Luckily, I am realistic enough to know that most likely, this scenario will never happen. But there's still the "realistic" happiness, and yes, I am happy beyond anything I've ever dared dreaming of. I am lucky enough to be married to a wonderful, gentle, and down-to-earth man; we have two healthy, beautiful girls; I have a job I actually enjoy and earn enough money to be comfortable; we live in a very nice 3-bedroom apartment with awesome neighbors; we have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends. And then there are still those little moments that make me stop in the tracks and smile, most of them involve the girls doing something absolutely adorable, and my heart feels as if it wants to break through my chest.
Yes, I am happy with my life, even without all those "would-be's". Thanks, Miranda, for pushing me in this direction!
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2011
Saturday, July 17, 2010
There Are Moments In Life..
"There are moments in life that can't be described in words; you have to feel them." This quote I read on a birth announcement earlier today when I went through some of my grandma's stuff. I don't know why, but this quote hit something inside me, because it is one of these fundamental truths of life. Emotions are way too complex most of the time to be described in such limited terms as words; even non-verbal signs like tears often say a lot more than a thousand words ever could. How could one ever describe the feeling of looking into one's newborn baby's eyes for the first time? I could easily describe how I felt when I got the positive pregnancy tests, and even when I first saw my girls on the ultrasound of holding our oldest daughter right after she was born (she was way too busy making her displeasure known by screaming for 90 minutes straight to stop for a second to look around). But the moment when I first looked into each of my daughter's eyes, and our eyes locked for this moment that both passes so quickly but still seems to last an eternity, the moment you form this lasting bond that cannot be torn by any force in the world, this moment will never be described in words.
There are more moments like it. I've seen many, and went through some myself, hoping never to have to go through others. I remember seeing the depth of grief and disbelief in the eyes of my former boss at the wake of her husband's funeral; I saw that she was at a far away place, her personal hell, and for a moment was there with her. Thinking about it still brings tears in my eyes; that night I made my husband promise never to leave me, since I never want to be at this place. I know, it ultimately won't be in our power to decide, since at the same time I couldn't leave peacefully knowing that I will send him to this place. I'd rather think of the moment at our wedding, when our lives were forged together forever. Even though we've never made these official vows you've seen a thousand times on TV and most weddings you've ever attended (we had a civil ceremony where we were only asked if we wanted to take the other partner as husband/wife). The whole ceremony felt so unreal, but when we exchanged our rings, looking in each others, our hearts and souls (if something like it exists) merged into one. No matter what would happen from then on, we would always be together, go through happy and desperate times together and emerge stronger from every challenge. I knew that no matter what, I had never loved a man like him, and never would ever again.
Our eyes truly are mirrors to our deepest and most hidden selves. One can hide emotions by putting on a mask so easily, and most people won't even notice it's a mask. But your loved ones won't look you in the face but right into your eyes and through them to the real you. I sometimes can feel this happen; it is the reason why I sometimes have problems looking people directly in the eye. I feel naked and vulnerable, revealing myself like it, but with some people, just sitting and looking into each others' eyes is the most comforting thing in the world. It is healing and revitalizing, and once again, cannot be described in words. As a linguist and writer by passion I gladly admit: words have their very distinct limits, but your thoughts, emotions, and dreams are truly free.
There are more moments like it. I've seen many, and went through some myself, hoping never to have to go through others. I remember seeing the depth of grief and disbelief in the eyes of my former boss at the wake of her husband's funeral; I saw that she was at a far away place, her personal hell, and for a moment was there with her. Thinking about it still brings tears in my eyes; that night I made my husband promise never to leave me, since I never want to be at this place. I know, it ultimately won't be in our power to decide, since at the same time I couldn't leave peacefully knowing that I will send him to this place. I'd rather think of the moment at our wedding, when our lives were forged together forever. Even though we've never made these official vows you've seen a thousand times on TV and most weddings you've ever attended (we had a civil ceremony where we were only asked if we wanted to take the other partner as husband/wife). The whole ceremony felt so unreal, but when we exchanged our rings, looking in each others, our hearts and souls (if something like it exists) merged into one. No matter what would happen from then on, we would always be together, go through happy and desperate times together and emerge stronger from every challenge. I knew that no matter what, I had never loved a man like him, and never would ever again.
Our eyes truly are mirrors to our deepest and most hidden selves. One can hide emotions by putting on a mask so easily, and most people won't even notice it's a mask. But your loved ones won't look you in the face but right into your eyes and through them to the real you. I sometimes can feel this happen; it is the reason why I sometimes have problems looking people directly in the eye. I feel naked and vulnerable, revealing myself like it, but with some people, just sitting and looking into each others' eyes is the most comforting thing in the world. It is healing and revitalizing, and once again, cannot be described in words. As a linguist and writer by passion I gladly admit: words have their very distinct limits, but your thoughts, emotions, and dreams are truly free.
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