Saturday, May 15, 2010

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

The count-down is on, only about 3.5 weeks until we leave Washington to move for Germany. And the pressure is on. I'm currently alternating between intense anxiety, euphoria, and sadness. Admittedly, the lack of sleep doesn't do anything to stabilize my mood, but that's part of being a new mother. Today, I talked on the phone to my Mom, and really had to take myself together to not completely freak out on her, for just driving me nuts with her obsessions, discussing the same issues concerning the move the x. time, and just in general (yes, I am tense these days). Just a little later we took off to celebrate our good friend Cat's birthday. These last (almost) 2 years, Cat and her family have become like family to all of us. She is the girls' acknowledged grandma, who is there for their birthdays and genuinely cares for them. It was so touching to see pictures of our girls in the slide show presentation Cat prepared for her birthday, portraying her 50 years of life (thank you so much for that, Cat!). It is a fact that the further I live away from my Mom the better we get along, and since both Richard and I are very independent people, we're dreading to live with my grandma, even though it is only until we're back on our feet.

We know why we made the decision to give up our life here to move back to Germany, and those reasons are sound, but as our departure comes closer and closer, I can't help but second-guessing if that decision was right. My head tells me that is is the right thing to do, the girls deserve the best education and health care they can get, and for us the political and economic environment in Germany is much more preferable than in the US. In addition, there are so many friends and family around to build a strong support and social network. I myself grew up in an extensive family network with all grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all living in a radius of about 20 miles, and I envision the same for our girls. But at the same time it just tears my heart apart leaving behind all of our wonderful friends, who, in absence of any blood relatives, have become our family here.

When we first left Germany to start our life together in the US, our neighbors gave us a page from their calendar with a quote by Austrian writer Arthur Schnitzler: " A good-bye always hurts, even if you've been looking forward to it for a long time." This page had been hanging on our fridge for the last 4 years, and been a guide whenever I felt homesick. It was helpful during our move from Kansas, but this move is by far the most difficult so far. I wished I could take all of our friends with us, especially Cat and Charlie. I know, Lily will miss both of them like crazy, and so will we. Cat has been a motherly friend to me, being there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to, and offering the advice I needed. Even though we will always be in close contact and definitely try to visit them as often as possible, we'll miss our weekly D&D sessions, and their company during holidays.

At the moment I wished we stayed here in Washington, but at the same time I'm looking forward to our new life in Germany, with new jobs, a new apartment, new friends, and new opportunities. But still, the good-byes we will have to make in only a few weeks will be the most painful good-bye I'll ever have to say, even though we know it is a good-bye for some time only, and we'll see each other again soon.

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