Sunday, May 30, 2010

When There's No Right

Yes, I am depressed. Majorly. I've been battling with depressions since my teenage years, was in therapy as a teenager and on anti-depressants after I started college. About a year later I decided, that I was done with all of it, quit therapy and drugs. Therapy has never worked for me, and when I finally found a wonderful therapist, she was booked and did not accept any clients for the foreseeable future. At this point, all I wanted is being all me again, embracing the sadness as a part of my being rather than battling it. In Richard I found the perfect partner, who understands this part without having to ask questions, to whom I don't have to explain myself.

I'm glad to say, that I've barely had any depressive episodes, at least no major ones, since I found out about being pregnant with Lily. Until now. This move is taking it all out of me. At this point, I don't know any more what's right or wrong, if we're doing the right thing, even though all I wanted is to go back to Germany. I had a little depressive phase when my friend Kathrin, whose husband was stationed with Richard in Fort Riley, returned to Germany, and also after we returned from our first trip back home when Lily was 13 months old. It was then that we decided we wanted to go back. When we found out that we expected Violet, we decided not to waste any more time and move back as soon as she is born and we have all the papers in order. This time is now; we have only a good week left here, and I'm in the midst of quite a deep depression. I wonder, if the decision to go back was wrong. Actually, I know that it wasn't; it was a good decision for the well-being and advantage of our daughters. We don't want to be concerned about their education and health care, and we want them to be able to grow up with family.

On the other hand, I am very concerned about the impact this move will have on our family, especially on Lily. We're part of a very tight group of friends, who in these almost 2 years here have become our family. Cat is more the girls' grandma than anyone else. She's known Lily since she was 6 months old, has celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her birthdays with her; she's seen her almost every week, and Lily just loves her and Charlie to death. She spends Friday afternoon waiting for the door ringing, because that means her grandma and Uncle Charlie are arriving. We'll also miss our friends Yi, David, and Danielle, who have been her real aunts and uncle. Danielle's daughters Emma and Ahnna are Lily's best friends, and it warms my heart seeing her take off with the girls as soon as they see each other. Leaving all those wonderful people behind breaks my heart more than I would have ever thought. I am concerned about the impact the change will have on Lily; I know, little kids adapt quickly, but this will be the second time for her, and this move will soon be followed by a second, small move to our own place once we have found jobs. Being 2 is a difficult time for little kids, and I hope that Lily will overcome these huge changes easily, but I am also very concerned, because she's a very sensitive little girl.

We are giving up this amazing network of family-like friends for the security we'll have in Germany. I know that our friends aren't lost to us. We are already planning a visit back to Washington before Violet turns 2, and Cat and Charlie are eying a visit to Germany sometime next year. Technology is also on our side, with Skype, e-mail, and telephone being available, but still. I'll miss the Friday evenings with our D&D group, the holidays with Cat and Charlie, and the almost weekly visits with David. I'll miss seeing Lily getting excited as soon as we pull up Davids house, or when Yi enters our apartment. On the upside, we'll change this for holidays with my families, and visits with my best friend from high school, Sonja. We won't have to worry how to pay for the medical bills when the girls get sick, and whether we can afford for one of us staying at home to school the kids because the school system here lacks in every regard. The girls will still grow up with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins around. But knowing that does not make it any easier for me.

It seems as if no matter which way we go, it's not right. Staying here would not be good for our family in the long run, while moving is extremely painful at the moment and might cause issues for Lily. We know from economics class, that the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term losses, but once emotions come into the equation, it is not that easy. At the moment I wished I could just stop time, still being here with our friends while looking forward to the move, but this is not possible. I'm sure it will become easier once we're in Germany and are too busy getting established to feel sad or depressed; and once we're established, we'll be busy building our lives, and planning our first trip back to Washington. I know, time will fly and sooner than we know it we'll be back. It's just those few weeks I need to overcome, before there will be light at the end of the tunnel again for me. Just go forward.

PS: Listening to HIM really fuels the mood!!

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