Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Loss Of Control: Motion vs. Progress

It's almost 11pm at night, everyone's sleeping, and it's quiet. I'm tired, but I'm not. Probably I should go take a shower and go to bed, but something keeps me from doing that. Probably I'll regret that decision tomorrow morning. When I started this, I actually planned on writing about "change", as in the famous Ghandi quote, but then my thoughts wandered off, I checked my email, and googled around a little bit. Right now, I am feel as if my thoughts are blocked. I feel anxiety, as I often do about the impending move, whether we will find jobs, how long it will take us, etc. I am an independent person, and therefore hate living at home again after being on our own for so long. I am not the person who would just move in with her parents again, but the situation doesn't give us much choice. Deep down I know that everything will eventually work out, and probably quicker than we thought, but right now, I can feel for the first time how my anxiety is slowing me down and keeps me from reaching my full potential.

I have always struggled with this anxiety as a by-product of my obsession of being in control. Giving up my job and boarding a flight into the unknown is very difficult for me, even though I am looking forward to it. It is the second, and definitely last time I will do something like it. Last time, I was just about to freak out, just to end up finding a job within a couple of days after arriving in Washington. And this time, we even have family and friends who support us, while last time we were completely on our own. I don't know which scenario is better, I only know that right now, I am close to freaking out. I look at job boards and honestly don't even know for which kind of jobs I should apply for. At times, I am optimistic, but then again, I experience lows like tonight. I know I should be optimistic, since everything about this move worked out just fine or even much better than anticipated, and with all my education, job experience, and the time spent abroad, I should be very marketable in the German job market. On the other hand, I am extremely insecure. Right now, I feel like waking up Richard to talk, but I think that wouldn't go over too well. Instead I am here and writing about it, trying to get it off my chest this way.

What I have definitely learned just within the last hour is that my anxiety is definitely holding me back. It is interfering with my creativity and ability to focus. In order to be successful, whether it is in my job or my private life, I have to learn to overcome this anxiety and the depression that comes with it. I definitely will not go down the path of professional therapy or even medication again, those are things of my past. However, I will be open about my feelings with my husband. I will learn to let go of things I cannot control and rather focus on those I can. By deciding to let things go, I am taking control again, and will then be able to re-focus my attention to the important issues on hand (like not to forget to book our hotel in Vancouver). I am very thankful to have such a supportive family both here and in Germany; deep down I know that everything will work out alright for us. Probably not great, but alright. Maybe my worrying and freaking out is part of a ritual to success, who knows; but I do know that this ritual is exhausting to both me and my family, and this energy can better be used to progress rather than just move (thanks to my insightful husband for that quote).

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