Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sorry No More

I have been raised by my mom to do my best to fit in, to strive to please others around me to a degree that is actually unhealthy. "You have nothing and you are nothing" was a phrase I frequently heard growing up, which caused a number of issues in my life that need not be discussed at this point. It also caused me being sorry for who I am, and thus trying everything possible to hide who I am, to fit in, and to try everything to make everyone around me happy without regard to my own needs.

Despite all issues, it has also lead to me becoming a very ambitious individual, with a sense of perfectionism that borders on OCD (just ask Richard, he can tell you stories). At age 26 I am happily married and mother to two beautiful girls; I have 2 college degrees, and seriously think about going back to school to earn a graduate degree or beyond in a couple of years; I have worked multiple jobs for most of the time since I was 16. However, despite all this, it seems that I am simply not able to please some people in my surroundings. Accepting this has been a long and painful journey, which is far from completed at this point. But one thing I have definitely learned, mostly through the unconditional love and support from my husband and daughters: I don't have to please everyone. In fact, I don't have to please anyone but myself, and by simply not being too hard on myself and just enjoy life and the people in it will make me happier and therefore have a positive impact not only on myself but also my loved ones. I came to realize that my husband and daughters will always love me, even if I am not always perfect, and I love them even more for making me understand that. The more it infuriates me that those people I have tried so hard to please for way too long have nothing better to do than turn around and hurt those I love. Having grown up in a situation of favoritism, I hated it, even though I was the favored one. seeing my sister being hurt over and over again even though she tried everything to please hurt me as well. Now, being on the other end of the spectrum, I finally have the sense to put my foot down. This, besides more primary reasons such as education and health care, was among the points that helped us decide to move our family to Germany, where the girls can grow up far away from this damaging influence. And it will also give me the opportunity to finally exhale and maybe even get over it eventually.

I am fairly positive, that the people to whom this is directed will not read this blog, but that's ok. Writing about it helps and is yet another step towards overcoming these issues and healing. I am finally at a point, where I can positively say that I am not sorry any more for who I am, thanks to the infinite support from my wonderful husband. I am who I am; those who don't like that are not worth my time or consideration. This is the simple conclusion, but even though I know it in my head, my heart still needs some working on that.

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