Thursday, February 7, 2013

Writings From The Ditch

I am suffering from an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which I like to call “The H”. One of the more common side effects of this lovely condition is depression. While my emotional depressions are usually well under control with the medications I receive, the physical depressions still hit in waves on and off. Right now, I am in the middle of one of them, and it hurts. It is difficult to get up in the morning; all my joints hurt. The light hurts my eyes; it takes almost all my efforts to lift the tooth brush to brush my teeth. It takes about 30 minutes until I am getting somewhat in gear, when the pain subsides and manifests itself as a dull presents in my lower back and knees. That is, when I start feeling the heaviness,  as if I had gained a hundred pounds over night. It’s pressing on my shoulders and slows my steps. I feel aged and tired; I cannot concentrate on my work; sometimes I just stare into nothing for I don’t know how long. I cannot get up to play with the girls. There are moments when I can pull myself together and push through it, but I’m definitely paying for it waking up the next morning, feeling as if I had not rested for a second but rather ran a marathon.

Physical depression usually hits me for a week or so every two or three months. So actually, I am doing much, much better than many others living with “The H”; most of the time I feel pretty normal - besides taking the meds - but every few months I am disappearing for several days, which is annoying for me, and probably difficult to deal with for many people around me. But no matter what, I have plans for this Friday and Saturday, and holing myself up in makeshift cave under my comforter. Since I’m off tomorrow and it will be the girls and me sans Richard for most of the day, who is taking his Immigration Test *finger crossing*, I might just follow through on my promise and take them on a movie date, or take them on another fun activity.

Over and over again, I need to tell myself that I am stronger than that. Depression will not dictate my life, neither my emotions nor my body. I will not look back and see dark pits in my lifeline, but a life that is full of fun and lots of love.

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