Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Bad And The Ugly

I feel like I'm walking down a dead-end road these days. I'm just out of it, going through low-level panick attacks that sometimes last for days. I cannot sleep, I'm over-worked, stressed out, and in a serious depressive phase. At the moment, I just feel like I'm missing my life. I'm going through the motions, doing everything that is expected from me (or at least try my best), but feel, as if my life is passing by me and I'm missing it all.

I see so many people just doing what they want, no matter if it's smart, or reasonable, or responsible, and they are being rewarded for it. This one time in the last year that I have gone out of my comfort zone is biting us in the butt big time right now. Our house (or what is supposed to be our house at some point) is causing trouble after trouble; on top, we have Richard's health issues, so it's all on me again. And I just want to break down and cry. I'm feeling the weight getting heavier and heavier by the day, but I cannot get out, because I have responsibility towards my family.

I thought about seeing a therapist again, but I simply don't have the time to do so, if I want to see the girls at all. There is the option of medication, but I have made the commitment to myself long ago that I would not put those chemicals in my body ever again. During the last weeks, I've been drawing on my stores, and now they are nothing but empty, but there's no way out right now.

While I think that way, the guilt comes. Why are you thinking like that? Be happy you have a wonderful husband; there are plenty of people out there who are by themselves and wish to have a partner by their side. Be greatful that you have two wonderful, healthy children; many wonderful couples out there struggle or have given up on ever hearing little feet tap through the house. You're lucky to have such a great job; look at the job market and tell me why you think you are in such a bad place?

And here I am, in the dead-end between not knowing how to get out of bed tomorrow morning and carry on while dealing with the incredible guilt for feeling the way I do. Maybe I just miss the sun; probably, once summer hits, the depression will lift and I'll be able to pick myself out of the hole. Things will come together, the surgeries will be fine, the house will eventually be built, and next year, a new year will come. But right now, I am where I am, struggling to keep my head above the water while all I want to do is giving up.

6 comments:

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    1. Thanks, Jen. I cannot tell you how important your support is!

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  2. If you have to cry, then cry. It may be just what you need right now. Don't think just because you're the glue holding your family together that you're not allowed to show emotions. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you find the peace that you need right now to go on. Don't feel guilty that you have these thoughts, but please don't think you have to ignore them and keep going on. Hugs from across the globe xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! It might sound weird, but I'm not quite at the point of complete breakdown just yet.. Already feeling a little better today, even though it started rough this morning. My husband is my rock and support, but there is only that much he can do. The only one who can really pick me up and pull me out the hole is me. Hugs back to you!

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  3. Give it to God hun. Everything will work out like it's suppose to and meant to. Give control to him and then the weight will be off your shoulders.

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    1. No gods here on my end, Laney! We're Atheists. I know that there are things I have no control over, because it's in the hand of some bureaucrats, or other people, but I don't believe in any divine intervention or plan. I am feeling better today. I have done some meditation on it, and meeting up with my friend this afternoon helped as well. I cannot let my dark moments take any minute of potential joy with my family away from me. I cannot stop time or gain control over other people, but I can work on myself.

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