Lily has been having issues with a bully in her kindergarten class. At first, I thought that it was only Lily, but now it seems that many other kids have issues with this particular kid as well. A few weeks ago, we had one of the bi-annual meetings with Lily's teacher, discussing her progress and any issues she may have. And since it is really something on Lily's heart, we also discussed that particular boy. Which options there are to not only help Lily but also the boy.
It actually turns out that the two have a few things in common. When Lily started kindergarten, she also still had issues with the language. She started to have issues with other kids, which was partly caused by the language barrier, and partly by Lily trying to be one of the adults, the only group of people who have offered stability in her life. But the big difference is that Lily was a 3-year odl girl back then; the boy is now 5, only a year away from 1st grade.
Tonight at dinner, Lily suddenly started bad-mouthing the boy, how he was annoying and always bothering everyone and that she would never let him write in her kindergarten class-mate book. While we definitely dislike bullying, ostracizing a kid that obviously has troubles and not way to express his feelings than being mean or violent against others is not a solution either. And bad-mouthing is certainly not tolerated in our house.
She became quiet and listened as we explained to her possible reasons why the boy behaved the way he does, and that excluding him would not help the situation but rather make everything worse. We are really lucky that Lily is not only a very kind little girl (mostly) but that she also has a very soft heart and feels for others. We suggested that instead of writing him off as a trouble-maker, she should meet him with friendliness and show him that he is still welcome in the group.
She definitely got the idea, so we need to see how the next weeks go and if the situation improves. Keep you fingers crossed!
I hope Lily doesn't take the bullying too personally although I know its hard. It makes me feel better that she can see the other kids are getting it too so she isn't being singled out.
ReplyDeleteYes… I did just say I'm glad other kids are getting bullied. But it's Lily I care about through you!
Thanks so much for your thoughts and your caring for Lily. I agree, it's probably easier if one isn't singled out..
DeleteI actually do feel for the boy, especially because we've been in a similar situation 3 years ago, when Lily didn't speak German very well. She got a lot more leeway being only 3 years old, and "so cute", and a girl. But there were people complaining about her as well. Even though it may be hard sometimes, it's important to see the other perspective!
As a teacher, I am so glad you are looking at things from the boy's perspective. There is always a reason for behavior like that, and oftentimes the reason is completely understandable. You are handling this situation very well.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Christine! About 3 years ago, we were the parents of "that" kid; gladly, Lily learned the language very quickly and also adjusted to the situation after a while. I hope, the boy will be able to better integrate in the class, too.
DeleteI'm with Christine - there is always a reason and it's most often not pretty. We teachers see an awful lot of this stuff and it is just so difficult to figure out and understand. You are wise to help Lily learn so young that there is always another perspective and to consider what makes someone behave a certain way rather than just react to it.
ReplyDeleteI've worked in a school as a para-ed for 6 months, working with kids with behavioral issues and learning disabilities. I've definitely seen a lot there, too. During that time, I decided that teaching is probably not for me and studied business. I have incredible respect of the work teachers do, thanks a lot Lisa and Christine, and Janine!! (and everyone I might have missed!!)
DeleteIt is so important to us to teach empathy to the girls. Our world has sometimes become so hard and self-centered. We're lucky that she's such a kind-hearted girl by nature :-)
I love this post, often time parents don't look at it from the bully's perspective. Great mom you are!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Jen! It is indeed difficult to get behind Lily's struggles and sympathize with the boy who's responsible for her pain. But then again, I believe it will help her to deal with the situation better, realizing that he does it because of insecurities and communication issues rather than pure menace.
DeleteThis is wonderful! I'm so glad Lily is able to have empathy for the boy. Hopefully that makes the situation easier for her and, who knows, maybe they'll become friends!
ReplyDeleteI don't think they'll become friends, especially since Lily's going to move on to elementary school in fall while the boy has a year in kindergarten left. But I'm sure it helps her to not take the situation that personal any more. I have encouraged her to invite the boy to activities that don't need to much communication, such as doing a jigsaw puzzle together. We'll see how it all goes..
DeleteWe tend to forget that kids have stresses and they aren't really equipped to deal with them, especially if there's no adult intervention. I always tell my kids that we don't know what goes on behind other people's closed doors and they should always try to show some empathy. It's not fool-proof, some kids are just mean. Other times, it may be the door that they need opened to show them there is another way. Hope it works out.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your opinion, Sandy, you are so right. I'll wait and see. MAybe by the end of the year, he'll have written in her little friendship book :-)
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