Five people for a zombie apocalypse, including my kid
As I was pondering over what to write for my guest post on the Life, Unexpectedly blog, I started ruminating over exactly what has been unexpected in my life. My husband and kids, of course, but other things like hurricanes and tornados, crying over a car, happiness in buying a home, etc.
But that seemed really boring. So I let my mind wander. And I thought, perhaps one of the most unexpected events I could endure would be a real, honest-to-goodness zombie apocalypse. And naturally, I had to make a list of the people I’d want in my survival tribe.
- Aron Ralston, the guy who amputated his own hand to free himself from a dislodged boulder.
What he brings to the tribe: Um…did you see the part about amputating his own arm?
Survival possibility 1/10: I’d give him a solid 7, which increases the tribe’s overall odds when navigating the outdoors.
- Bear Grylls, also known as Born Survivor, and host of Man vs. Wild on Discovery and some other shows.
What he brings to the tribe: Apparently, this guy can survive anything that Mother Nature has to offer, so I’m guessing that he could give advance warning if the zombies are sneaking up on our camp.
Survival possibility: Oh, I’d say he’s a strong 9. After all, one of his shows is called, “Get Out Alive.”
- Will Ferrell, actor and comedian, movies and TV, plus his Funny or Die website.
What he brings to the tribe: They say laughter is the best way to ease stress and tension in any scenario, so I’d guess that he’d be able to crack off a few jokes during a break from running away from zombies.
Survival possibility: Sad to say, but 5 or less. After all, he’s a comedian, not a trained sharpshooter or a master of hand-to-hand combat. That I know about.
- Anthony Bourdain, hosts No Reservations on the Travel Channel and has written Kitchen Confidential.
What he brings to the tribe: I don’t think he can cook, per se, but he can notice what is edible and what isn’t, and he can totally speak to the “locals” in case we need some negotiation to take place.
Survival possibility: He’d definitely be a 7 or 8. Mostly because he comes across as a real bad-ass, and you’re going to need confident people working with you.
- Annie, our 2½ year old. I’ve said before that I think Annie could figure out how to survive in our home if we weren’t here.
What she brings to the tribe: She is small, so she could inspect small spaces for us; she’s fast, so she could run ahead to warn others and/or escape one of those zombie packs that seem to wander around a lot; she’s creative with her decisions, which we’d likely need as the zombie horde approaches; she’s super cute, which would inspire me to keep working to stay alive against the zombie barrage.
Survival possibility: As her unbiased mother, I’d say that kid is a 7 or 8, if only because she can hear a pin drop from a mile away.
Am I a believer in the zombie apocalypse? I believe someone out there is working on something ridiculous that could wipe us all out. Luckily, I’ve got a great tribe to wander with me.
About the Author
After a career as a newspaper reporter, Melissa Swedoski thought she was well informed on the chaos of everyday life. Now, “mumbling through the mayhem of marriage and motherhood,” she is a SAHM to two toddler girls, and is turning her investigative eye on the mishaps and misadventures of parenting and the marathon that is marriage, always with the emphasis on humor and love. You can find her at Home on Deranged or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.