We were talking at work yesterday and
somehow, the topic got to backpackers in Australia. I mentioned that
this is not only for young adults taking a year to themselves and
travel, but that this was the lifestyle of many Australians: modern
nomads who can
fit all of their belongings into a backpack, who traveled from one farm
to the other and basically worked for food and lodging plus some money
to pay for some necessities or small luxuries. I told them about a guy we
once met through a common friend, who lived this
lifestyle. Dave was a very nice, mid- to end-30s giant with a low voice
and an impressive black beard. And how did this Australian nomad end up
in Germany? He had met a Swiss lady, who was backpacking through
Australia for a year. And at the end of her year,
she asked him to go to Switzerland with her; being the guy he is, he
packed his belongings and went with her. You may guess that this
relationship didn’t last, as his girlfriend kept urging him to finally
grow up and accept “real life”. Their ways parted and
Dave went to Poland for a while, where his ancestors are from, working
on farms to make a living, and finally stopped by our friend before
returning to Australia.
My colleague’s comment on the story: well,
obviously he didn’t love her enough to change for her.
But is that love? To change in order to please someone else? To be very
possibly miserable to make someone else happy? To give up one’s very self
to be someone else? I don't think so. Shouldn't we rather ask: why didn't she love him for who he was?
In my opinion, love is about respect, acceptance, and tolerance. How could I truly love a man who is just lovable after he changed to meet my standards? If anything, Richard and I had a whirlwind relationship, getting married less than five months after meeting each other. This is no time to really get to know each other, but it was plenty of time for us to know that we belong together. He was the man I was meant to be with. Over the time, there were little things about him that irked me, as there were things in me that he wasn't all to fond of. But we never ever tried to change the other person; naturally, we adapted to be part of a couply instead of two individuals, but none of us gave up who we are. And neither would or should we.
I love the last paragraph of this. Everything you said is so true.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Jen! I just couldn't believe when my coworker put out that "he should have changed" And that from an almost 50-year old woman..
DeleteStephanie, I feel the same as you. Kevin and I got engaged after only dating 9 months, we just knew and have been married now for 7 years. Neither of us has ever tried to change the other, but yet we have just learned to take the good with the bad. So, I truly couldn't agree with you on this!
ReplyDeleteWe're married 7 years as well ;-) And I love him a little more every day!
DeleteVery interesting! First, that people actually choose to live that nomadic life. I can't even fathom it.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, the conundrum of the relationship. At first, I thought something similar to your coworker. Not that I thought ill of him, but it was just a simple thing of him not loving her enough to settle down. Probably because I would agree with the woman that it was time to grow up and stop roaming around (because I can't fathom being a nomad). But then the thought hit me... they met while backpacking, so clearly she had some interest in such a life at one point. What if the tables were turned? What if he asked her to go back to backpacking with him around Australia? If she said no, would it be because she doesn't love him enough?
It sounds like this isn't what happened at all, based on the fact he stopped by to see her before heading back to Australia. They parted as friends?
I agree that no person should ever go into a relationship expecting the other person to change. Either love him for who he is or move on. No relationship can thrive in those circumstances. Either one will be unhappy because the other won't change, or one will change and then be bitter.
Yup, you got my brain moving on this one! :)
Honestly, Dave's lifestyle wouldn't be my cup of tea either, but he is happy that way, so who am I to judge?
DeleteI don't really know how he and his girlfriend parted, we didn't go into detail, that was just the story he told us how he came to Europe...
The weird thing is that she met him as he was, while she was "on vacation" and just didn't want to see that he wasn't.
Either way, I think they are happier without each other..
You have to wonder where people get their ideas sometimes. If he was willing to change for her just like that, what does it say about his character? Not much, in my opinion. If you can't love the person for who they are, then they aren't the one for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Lisa. There are sure cases were people are willing to make deep, life-changing choices like that for the right person. But the fact that she demanded him to change even though she has met him while he was living the life he loved and was settled in, even if he had complied, it wouldn't have lasted..
DeleteIt's a bit of both. Honestly, I think the answer to a healthy marriage is not two people who have lives that "fit perfectly" but two people who are willing to compromise what doesn't work for the sake of the other. When we started courting my husband was well aware that my life plans included children and being a stay-at-home mom.I was clear about that, and he never mentioned that this wasn't his plan to me until after we were married for a bit and were already pregnant with our first. I don't remember exactly how it came out that his plans had never included children, but when I asked why he had never brought it up before we married and started breeding he told me that he knew that being a mother was important to me and I wouldn't be happy without it. His urge for the freedom of a childless life was less important to him than making me happy.
ReplyDeleteIf you expect to find someone whose life plans match up with yours exactly and whose tastes require no change, you are probably going to be looking for a very long time. Some people get lucky, but love IS about sacrifice. Even if this is the case, there is no guarantee that at some point goals and priorities aren't going to change and your partner isn't going to want something different, and you have to be prepared for that eventuality if the marriage is important to you.
Small annoyances, yes, those aren't worth the battles. I married my husband knowing he was a gamer and not a social person so I accept his wanting to spend hours on World of Warcraft and not being up for things like "couple game nights." Other things, I've changed for him. I've heightened my standards of how clean the house should be because he is more finicky than I am. I've learned that he likes our home life to be more private than not, so I try to avoid gabbing about him, even in a positive way, because he doesn't like to be talked about and I am an over sharer.
So, yeah, you can't attempt to shape someone you love into another person, but you can love someone enough to change your wants, goals, and reactions, and if you don't love enough to do that, you probably shouldn't be considering long term commitment with that person.
Thank you so much for your comment and opinion, Heidi! I agree that in order to make a relationship work, both sides have to make compromises, but in the case of your husband, he made the compromise to have children even though he'd rather not to in the beginning of his own will. You didn't demand of him to change his life model. My husband happened to be undecided on kids as well. He actually would have rather waited with adding to the family, but since I wanted to have a baby very badly early on (with him being in the Army, deployable and all) and he agreed. I have learned to live with a house that is not as squeaky, shiny clean as I would like it myself, that he's not as outdoorsy as I am, etc.
DeleteOf course, relationship is about compromise, but freely agreed to, not forced, as you pointed out.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts!!
We DO have tons of backpackers down here in Australia!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been married for twenty years and we are SO HAPPY. Because we are the same as one another? NO. Because we form fit to each others' expectations of us? NO!
Because we love each other for who we truly are!
I figured this one out years ago. It is simple, really. Either you love them or you don't. If you love them, then you love them for who they are. If you don't, well then OK!
We have both changed quite a bit in the last twenty years, and will continue to do so for the next twenty. Our marriage is strong and loving and really works because we love one another for exactly who we are.
FUN, love this post!
Karen
P.S. CAP could use this blog post! *wink*
http://carnivalofatheistparenting.blogspot.com.au/
Thank you so much for sharing, Karen! I will email you and gladly share this post! I couldn't agree more with what you were saying. Honestly, there's been a time when I just wanted to pack my things (and baby) and leave, but just thinking about being without him made me feel so much more miserable. We just belong together, we're in love, we're happy, and I love him for who he is, not for the person I could maybe possibly turn him into.
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