We're up to a quite difficult decision here at the moment. Earlier this year, Violet became friends with another little girl. They played together several times, and she actually was the first friend she made independently from Lily. So far, all her friends were the little sisters of Lily's friends, which is fine, but she never had to make an effort so far as to making friends.
So she and the other girl, E., who's about a year older than she is, became friends. We met a few times with the other family, and it was great to see how Violet's self-confidence and independence grew.
In early summer, E. and her mom left to visit her grandparents in Canada for a couple of months. I thought that something was amiss when E. started school in Canada in early September and a few weeks ago, her dad confirmed that they are going to return to North America. Obviously, E.'s mom was not very happy living in Germany, feeling isolated and hindered by the language barrier and when the dad received a good job offer from overseas, they decided to move back to the United States.
In the meantime, Violet keeps asking me every once in a while when she could play again with E. I know that she'll return to Germany sometime in November for a short visit before returning to Canada and then the U.S. permanently. I suppose that the family will probably be busy biding their farewells to quite some people over here, so I wonder if I should still try arrange for a last meeting for the girls.
In the last weeks, Violet hasn't asked for E. any more, and I would hate having her to go through a difficult good-bye; on the other hand, I wonder if it would be worse if she asked me for E. next time and I had to tell her that she wouldn't come back. I was not prepared for a situation like that, as this family were actually "stayers" like us, and think back and forth on what would be the best decision for Violet.
Any thoughts?
It's so hard when at a young age you have to deal with change like this. Hugs to Violet.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Jen. The weird thing is that I have no idea how she'll react, I can imagine everything from an epic melt-down to a happy good-bye.
DeleteWish I had a good answer for this one. I really don't - just a similar scenario, I guess.
ReplyDeleteMy Daughter made a Bestie in preschool/pre-K over the last three years and they were quite the pair. Mostly, the time they spent was in school/daycare, but we did a couple of playdates as they got old enough to ask for them. This summer, as the school year ended, they went their separate ways as each was moving to a completely new school for Kindergarten. They don't live far from us, and we did try to contact several times, but with no luck. For most of the summer and a few weeks into Kindergarten, our Daughter was upset, asked for the Bestie, and even cried once or twice about missing her and all the other friends from pre-K. As she has made new friends in her new school, though, that has lessened dramatically. I figured it would. The Hub and I explained to her as gently as we could that sometimes we meet people and love them for a while, and then life brings changes that make it difficult to see them anymore. Heart-wrenching. She seems to get it and we are not seeing any horrifying lasting issues. She's settled in to her new school with gusto, is making new friends, and is thriving.
So it turns out OK in the end...I guess?
I'm so sorry your daughter lost her best friend. But I'm glad he got over it and found new friends. Thank you for sharing your experience. What I wonder is that seeing her again would make things harder on her than if I only told her at some point that E. won't be coming back. Parenting is hard!! ;-)
DeleteAs hard as it might be for Violet to say goodbye, I do feel that she should be given the chance, as she might otherwise feel abandoned by her friend. By giving her that chance, you might suggest that she and her friend could become pen-pals (with your help, of course) and, that way, it might not be such a terrible parting for her?
ReplyDeleteJust a thought :)
That is what another friend of mine suggested, Katy. Thank you very much for sharing your opinion on the matter. I'd love for the two of them to stay friends, even when E. moves away!
DeleteThis is a tough one! I don't have any startling insight but unfit were me I think I might just not reach out and see what happens. Like you said they might be real busy so if they don't reach out then you don't have to worry about it!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot, Steph. I'll definitely ask if they have time to meet up, have dinner or something so the girls can play. If they don't have time, there's nothing we can do, but I'll definitely try!
DeleteHi, I think you should have a good bye party with E and your daughter. Also be sure to get her forwarding address. Violet and E could be penpals and write one another real letters. With the Internet they can chat. I think this is chance for life lesson about friendship and how to keep one even over distances. Just some thoughts. Thanks for stopping by my blog this weekend too. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea, Mary. Thank you for offering your opinion! Violet is still too young to have a penpal, but maybe the mom can help out until they can write their own letter. The wolrd has really become much, much smaller with the internet ;-)
DeleteWhat about getting their new info from the folks before they make the move permanent. That way, if Violet doesn't ask about her, you can leave well enough alone so she doesn't go through the "loss" a second time, but if she does, you can explain the situation and have them spark up a pen-pal relationship with their new mailing info already at hand...or I suppose e-mail nowadays, but it might be fun for them to write.
ReplyDeleteWe'll definitely stay in touch, as we're both on Facebook. But letting her write letter, or send a picture, let the girls skype, etc. They are still very young and maybe it's too much to ask from them to maintain a friendship like that, but I'll definitely want to give her the option to do so. Thank you for sharing your opinion, Chris!
DeleteClearly, I don't know Violet well, but in general, parents are much more worried about these situations than kids are. Kids make short-term friends all the time. It's the nature of kids. When you tell her, she may just shrug her shoulders and say "Bummer". Usually kids ask for certain kids because it is a known name. Really, they just want someone to play with.
ReplyDeleteIf you and Violet want to do something with/for E to say goodbye, you could always see if E could come to your house to play while her parents pack. Violet could make a card for her. When our good friends moved to Japan, we had the youngest over for a few hours. while she was here, I took gobs of photos of her playing with my boys. I printed the photos and put them in a little photo album for the little girl to look at on the plane.
I'm sorry that your friends are moving away. We've had several good friends move for work, and I know how difficult it can be. It's always more difficult for me than the kids.
Thank you so much for your insight, Christine! Making a picture book with photos of the girls is a great idea. I'd probably make one for Violet as well, so she can always remember her friend. Maybe you are right and I'm overthinking or overcomplicating the situation. Since Violet is in kindergarten, she's found a bunch of new friends, but still asking for E. I'll definitely try to get them together while she's here; I don't know if it'll happen, as I bet they'll be busy saying good-bye to everyone, but hope the girls can at least meet for a short while.
DeleteThank you again for sharing, Christine! I really appreciate it!